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Grunger, thanks. I do find it odd the way some things from schooldays, my childhood, have stuck - and others have disappeared completely.

Malone

Your posting reminded me that I had not attended a concert for a while, so last night I went to see a performance by the local Philharmonic Orchestra led by the great Swiss, Gotte Batton.

I was delighted that she joined us in the pub afterwards. I have known her a long time and, like most musicians, she found it hard to make a living and a few years ago she took a job “on the buses”. I often tease her. “That was the best display by a conductress here for ages”, I told her.

“Now, now Jigjag. You know very well that there are no female words in music. Trumpetress and drumress would be very odd. Of course, my father wanted me to be a good conductress in the day, and a great conductor at night.”

We had a long chat and I offered her a lift home, but I was disappointed at her response. “No thanks. I’m getting the bus.”

Jigjag, it's been a while since we had one of your little reports - I hadn't realised how much I missed them! That little account was great fun to read, thanks.

The only problem I now have is that you are strongly reinforcing my dislike of 'esses.' I know you used some extreme examples, but I hate some of the old (and, I hope, defunct) ones such as poetess, authoress … and even 'conductress' now belong in the past, in the days of old London Route ... RouteMasters/RouteMistresses.

jigjag

I also enjoyed the report. I am sorry that Gotte declined your offer to escort her home. I am sure you would have "conducted" yourself like a gentleman!

malone

That's a clever comment about Route Mistresses. I suppose that as ships are considered female, buses should be too.

Thanks, Grunger. The Route ... Master thing didn't strike me until I started typing, so I felt I should do something with it!

Malone, Grunger

Glad you enjoyed the report. I think some of the -esses are still valid. I particularly like shepherdess.

I know what Malone means about getting inspiration whilst typing. I have often sat with a pen and a blank piece of paper for half-an-hour, but as soon as I type, I get ideas. I have no idea why this is.

Jigjag,

I've never had an occasion to use the word 'shepherdess', so I won't need to excise it from my vocabulary. I'm quite happy for a 'shepherd' to be someone who looks after sheep, a 'goatherd' to be someone who looks after goats... oh, has there ever been a 'goatherdess'? What a piece of nonsense that would be!

The current hot spell reminds me... I bumped into one of your old friends recently, Ivor Tutchasunstroke. I think he's pals with your chums Ivan Napple and Ivor Burger.

Malone

There are no shepherdesses or goatherdesses in these parts, but I think some -esses are vital, and I was pleased to see one in a Times answer today. Also delighted to see an "Ivan" in another answer, and wondered if the setter has been following this thread for inspiration.

I mentioned -esses to my hairdresser Jason today. The girls who work in the shop preferred waitresses and actresses to other possibilities but they thought that hairdresseresses was probably wrong. I think I agree with them.

I hope you did not have a touch of sunstroke when you posted, as I think Jigjag's friend is Ivor Berger. The sort of typo I often make.

Nice (and relevant) clue in the Guardian earlier this week:

Judge Jenny? (6)

Perhaps malone, grunger and others would care to be reminded of this poem:

Three little ghostesses,
Sitting on postesses,
Eating buttered toastesses,
Greasing their fistesses,
Up to their wristesses.
Oh, what beastesses
To make such feastesses!