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grunger

Yes I can come tomorrow. I have got football at Everton first but it is an early start so I can get to Wigan. But do they really have a pier there? Is the theatre at the end?

Malone

Thanks. The names for the jeans seem accurate but possibly long-winded. I probably dont need any if it acceptable to have rips in them. My holes are in both knees and just below right pocket. Please advise me if I need to put further holes elsewhere. I dont want to be seen as unfashionable.

If you cant make it to Wigan tomorrow, please send some pies anyway, and I will share a few with Grunger after the show. I will take the brown sauce.

Jigjag

I'm delighted you'll represent the PU at Wigan tomorrow. I'm sure I can rely on you to conduct yourself in a fitting manner. Feel free to check any advertisements around the venue, and in the programme, for missing or rogue apostrophes.

I'm sending a few festive pies your way, they're travelling through cyber-space right now. There's a 'Christmas Cracker' - sprouts with pancetta, nestling between layers of cranberry-bejewelled stuffing and there's also a 'Christmas Turkey'. The latter really is a turkey, a dud - it contains the leftovers in my fridge, turned into an imaginative concoction. I think the contents are some/all of the following … two slices of corned beef, one half of a hard-boiled egg (I'm trying hard not to be wasteful with food), a slice of processed cheese, some quinoa and pomegranate salad (a healthy option that was roundly rejected by everyone here) … and an unidentified frying object from the M and S 'plant kitchen'. It could be a version of a sausage … or a burger … or something else entirely. Enjoy! (as they say in all the worst restaurants.)

Jigjag,

The holes, rips, in jeans seem be centred around the mid-thigh region - goodness knows why. If yours don't follow current trends, this doesn't really matter - perhaps you'll set new standards, alter the whole face (leg) of fashion in male attire.

Malone

It is really very kind of you to go to all that trouble to ensure that Grunger and I are well-catered for tomorrow evening. The quinoa and corned beef hash pie sounds amazing. The thing from the plant kitchen will be a novelty up there. They will love it with the sprouts and gravy.

Enjoy? Yes, every waiter/tress is saying that now, usually with a worrying smile on their faces.

It promises to be a long day tomorrow, but I will let you know how I get on on Sunday.

I am glad I am leading fashion by getting rips in the right places. Mid-thigh? How awful.

Jigjag

Thanks. I hoped the 'Plant Kitchen' might constitute a treat. I think 'interesting' might be the word to describe the eating experience. I really hate anyone saying 'Enjoy!' to me, especially if it's delivered in the most insincere voice possible, with an artificial smile (rictus?) on the server's face.

Although many of the rips are mid-thigh, on or just below the knee is acceptable too … depending on the state of the knee.#

Hope your long day tomorrow goes well. The pedant in me feels obliged to ask - what are you doing on Sunday? You've said you'll let me know how you get on then, but I'm afraid I have no idea what you're doing.

PS Sorry about that, but I didn't want my pedantry going rusty through lack of use.

Just checked my Christmas bin collection arrangements on the Council leaflet ... my collection day next week is on the 23th

Jigjag

I would like to say a big thank you for last night. It was very brave of you to play the part of Buttons when the star fell ill and the understudy refused to leave the pub where he was watching football. We get these problems in am-dram all the time.

Of course you had no time to learn the script, but it was a great idea to come on and tell some ripping yarns in your ripped jeans. The one about the bo’s’un, the cockswainess and the pumpkin was hilarious. My favourite was the slippers one. It was great that Malone had noticed the connection between the M&S slippers and the glass slipper in the panto. It was amazing how the story fitted the script, even if the slippers did not fit, because of the confusion with the Canadian sizes.

The audience had no idea that you were just filling in. It probably should have been announced, but the Director thought that you would get away with it. By the way, I think you overdid your embrace of one of the Ugly Sisters, but I suppose she is very attractive, like all the local girls.

I must thank Malone for sending all those pies. There were enough for all the audience at the interval. They loved the quinoa and quince ones, but it seems the favourite was the mince and quince pie, described as rhymingly rich.

Thanks must also go to Rosalind for sending the asparagus. It is unknown here and I am afraid a few locals let the side down by shoving it in the pies.

The understudy is available for the rest of the week, but why don’t you audition for a part next year?

Malone

Thank you for pointing out my badly constructed sentence. I had originally wanted to say "...........get on on Saturday on Sunday." But this seemed inelegant and contained 3 "on"s in 4 words. So I changed it but it was a poor effort.

It is kind of you to ask what I am doing today. I am free as well. There are several sports fixtures we could go to, or we could work on a sentence containing the maximum number of consecutive appearances of the word "on". Do you have any better ideas?

Grunger

What a delight that was to read! I wish I'd been at the show as it sounds a night full of fun and laughter (and pies). Jigjag's a natural raconteur, so I'm sure the anecdotes came out at a rate of knots (to continue the sailing theme).

I'm glad my pies went down well, literally. I liked the rich mince and quince pie and might try to persuade Waitrose to put those into mass production. I'm not surprised the asparagus was a bit of a flop - it's always had ideas above its station. Still, it was kind of Rosalind to send you so much.

Jigjag

I'm glad you've coped with being confronted with your dodgy sentence. I felt obliged to point it out as anyone passing through the thread might have thought. 'Pedants? They've the cheek to call themselves pedants when sentences like this appear?'

Grunger's theatre/panto review was hugely entertaining - as was the show, apparently. I'm sorry to have missed it, but I was too busy - I had a fun evening proof-reading all the Christmas cards and accompanying notes we'd received.

Back to today's Sunday Telegraph Enigmatic Variations. It's very enigmatic, I haven't made a great deal of progress.

Tyke
I was glad of your bin collection post, it prompted me to check our festive uplift schedule.