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Just checked my Christmas bin collection arrangements on the Council leaflet ... my collection day next week is on the 23th

Jigjag

I would like to say a big thank you for last night. It was very brave of you to play the part of Buttons when the star fell ill and the understudy refused to leave the pub where he was watching football. We get these problems in am-dram all the time.

Of course you had no time to learn the script, but it was a great idea to come on and tell some ripping yarns in your ripped jeans. The one about the bo’s’un, the cockswainess and the pumpkin was hilarious. My favourite was the slippers one. It was great that Malone had noticed the connection between the M&S slippers and the glass slipper in the panto. It was amazing how the story fitted the script, even if the slippers did not fit, because of the confusion with the Canadian sizes.

The audience had no idea that you were just filling in. It probably should have been announced, but the Director thought that you would get away with it. By the way, I think you overdid your embrace of one of the Ugly Sisters, but I suppose she is very attractive, like all the local girls.

I must thank Malone for sending all those pies. There were enough for all the audience at the interval. They loved the quinoa and quince ones, but it seems the favourite was the mince and quince pie, described as rhymingly rich.

Thanks must also go to Rosalind for sending the asparagus. It is unknown here and I am afraid a few locals let the side down by shoving it in the pies.

The understudy is available for the rest of the week, but why don’t you audition for a part next year?

Malone

Thank you for pointing out my badly constructed sentence. I had originally wanted to say "...........get on on Saturday on Sunday." But this seemed inelegant and contained 3 "on"s in 4 words. So I changed it but it was a poor effort.

It is kind of you to ask what I am doing today. I am free as well. There are several sports fixtures we could go to, or we could work on a sentence containing the maximum number of consecutive appearances of the word "on". Do you have any better ideas?

Grunger

What a delight that was to read! I wish I'd been at the show as it sounds a night full of fun and laughter (and pies). Jigjag's a natural raconteur, so I'm sure the anecdotes came out at a rate of knots (to continue the sailing theme).

I'm glad my pies went down well, literally. I liked the rich mince and quince pie and might try to persuade Waitrose to put those into mass production. I'm not surprised the asparagus was a bit of a flop - it's always had ideas above its station. Still, it was kind of Rosalind to send you so much.

Jigjag

I'm glad you've coped with being confronted with your dodgy sentence. I felt obliged to point it out as anyone passing through the thread might have thought. 'Pedants? They've the cheek to call themselves pedants when sentences like this appear?'

Grunger's theatre/panto review was hugely entertaining - as was the show, apparently. I'm sorry to have missed it, but I was too busy - I had a fun evening proof-reading all the Christmas cards and accompanying notes we'd received.

Back to today's Sunday Telegraph Enigmatic Variations. It's very enigmatic, I haven't made a great deal of progress.

Tyke
I was glad of your bin collection post, it prompted me to check our festive uplift schedule.

Grunger

Thank you for the lovely report. It was a pleasure to help out but I would not like to do it too often. The audience seemed to enjoy it and the delicious food was an unexpected bonus (bosun?) for them.

I had not realised that Wigan Pier actually existed but I managed to find it. I didn't see any ships though, but perhaps I missed them as it was dark.

Malone

Pity you missed the show but I am pleased you had a pleasant evening. Your pies were wonderful and went well with the "side" of asparagus. By the way, I hate "side" as in "what side do you want?"

I haven't started the EV. Shark's puzzles are generally too tough for me and I thought the pre-amble was ambiguous - "These suggest....". What suggests?

Rosalind

The home-grown asparagus was lovely, even in winter.

Tyke

Glad you have a bin collection, even if the date is confusing. We have a 4-week wait for general rubbish, but they are collecting newspapers and plastics/cans. To me this is the wrong way round.

Jigjag

I wasn't keen on sharks before, and the big, hard Shark yesterday put me off completely. I solved a few clues before throwing the paper overboard (into the recycling bin, not the sea.) My 'ordinary' rubbish is due to be uplifted on Thursday, and the council have notified us that it will be collected 'between Thursday and Friday' - I'm looking forward to the excitement of seeing when the bin lorry appears.

I'm disappointed that you're not desperately keen to repeat your stage appearance. I'd mentioned your stellar performance to an old friend, and he gave me contact details for someone who is 'very big in the entertainment business.' This was Simona Cowal - I was slightly baffled, as I'd thought the X-Factor person was male. Anyway, I met up with Simona today. My friend had got it wrong - Simona is very big … AND she's in the entertainment business, the business of making animal-shaped balloons. Not really the niche for you, I feel.

Jigjag,

I ran out of space - no room for the 'sides'. Yes, it's an awful word - I blame Nando's, I think they were the first to feature it as a standard term. In case you've never been to this fine-dining establishment, one chooses which cut/size/style of chicken portion one wants and the price quoted includes two 'sides'. I believe one can pay slightly more for 'super sides'. Don't expect any superlative offerings - if I remember correctly, sweet potato mash is a 'super side'.

I had a problem this afternoon. I got some petrol and at the till there was a stack of boxes of mince pies , £1 a box. Naturally I said I would take a box.

"Would you like to donate them to the hospital?" asked the cashier.

I was puzzled. "I am happy to make a cash donation, but I would like to buy the mince pies", I said reasonably.

"We don't accept cash donations, only mince pies. " he said.

"But if I donate them, I will have to buy more, and you will then ask me to donate them as well."

"Yes that is our policy" he said

I left with the mince pies but without making a donation. I felt bad about it. What could I have done?