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chrisg

11th July 2015, 08:33
My calendar says there are only 4 Fridays. 7th, 14th. 21st and 28th. Am I missing something ?
1791 of 1953  -   Report This Post

jazzgirl

11th July 2015, 08:42

chrisg

11th July 2015, 08:48
Thanks for that jazzgirl - thought for a moment that I had lost the plot !
1793 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

12th July 2015, 07:30
Well spotted Jazzgirl; Shall not be buying any lottery tickets in August!

__________________

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says: "I think I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks: "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies: "No I only live round the corner.
1794 of 1953  -   Report This Post

jazzgirl

12th July 2015, 08:06
It's OK Celadon. This is still my favourite thread,
1795 of 1953  -   Report This Post

anriard

12th July 2015, 19:19
Only stupid and crass people like Celadon think racist jokes are acceptable.
1796 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

13th July 2015, 07:15
It is only a matter of time before it happens in the UK.

Semicolon Tattoos Have Become a Powerful Symbol For the Mental Health Community

It's very difficult to talk about mental health in the U.S., so a new campaign called Project Semicolon has set out to present "hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction and self-injury." The movement encourages people to tattoo or draw a semicolon on their bodies in support of the message.

What's the significance of the semicolon? “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to,” the project site reads. “The sentence is your life and the author is you.”
1797 of 1953  -   Report This Post

busby

13th July 2015, 08:54
I saw a sign outside an Irish Restaurant "5 Course Meal £20" so I went in.
Turns out it was 4 pints of Guinness and a potato.

Why do Aussies wear "flip flops"
"Cause they still can't tie shoe laces.

Twerk.....where a Yorkshire man goes from Monday till Friday

"A top Mexican drug lord has tunneled his way to freedom from prison," said a mole close to the source.

The Greek Government is getting so desperate, it is starting to respond to emails from Nigerian millionaires

That might be enough "racist" jokes for now ;-)
1798 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

14th July 2015, 08:21
Outstanding Busby.

_______________________

POLICE in Manchester have warned football managers to be vigilant following a daring swindle yesterday. 
The swindler, going by the name of ‘Brenda’ and described as short, in his early 40s and almost supernaturally self-confident is thought to have swindled an elderly Chilean in Manchester. 
A police spokesman said: “The victim was told he was buying £49m worth of quality goods but on closer inspection it appeared to be a Shaun Wright-Phillips knock-off with no guarantee.
“It’s particularly distressing that this was a vulnerable older gent who just two years ago was cheated out of £25m for a worthless Jovetic. 
“There seems to be a rash of these crimes at the moment – down the road at Old Trafford a Dutch pensioner asked us for advice on buying what appears to be German goods five years past its sell-by date.”
The motive for Sunday’s robbery is thought to be malicious as well as financial, with the main suspect previously involved in a Balotelli deal that went badly wrong. The police have warned the public not to approach him as he’s believed to be carrying a Lovren.
Other managers have been advised to mark their players with a UV pen and photograph them wearing the club shirt, to prevent them falling into the hands of Aidy Ward.
Logan said: “Sunday’s victim is trying to make the best of things but all too often such goods are sold off two years later for a massive loss. Usually to Harry Redknapp.”
1799 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

15th July 2015, 21:54
MANLY but sensitive tree surgeons are making too many women fall in love with them, it has been claimed.

Researchers found that 82 per cent of the UK’s female population currently has feelings for trees surgeons, who are strong and brave but also know about nature.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Tree surgeon’ isn’t so much a real job as a contrived female fantasy.

“But those men are getting so much romance that practically everyone else is being excluded.”

Office manager Helen Archer said: “They have chainsaws, and they are also clever enough to know the latin names of things. I’m in.”

25-year-old tree surgeon Joseph Turner said: “This morning I performed an emergency procedure on a mighty oak.

“I saved its life but in the process a small mouse emerged from the trunk which I scooped up in my large callused hand and carried to safety.

“Then I did some dangerous climbing stuff but was not scared.”
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