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JEREMY Clarkson’s new Amazon contract includes an obligation to deliver 300 parcels a month.

Clarkson, along with James May and Richard Hammond, will be forced to start work at 5am, delivering books, DVDs and Nutri-Bullets across the country before making another dreary programme about cars.

A spokesman for Amazon said: “There is a good chance that within the next couple of years even the most fervent Top Gear fan will tire of it.

“Because it’s so awful.

“At that point we do need to get our money’s worth. So for an extra fifty quid you can have Clarkson or one of the other ones – I want to say ‘Trevor’ and ‘Little Mickey’ – deliver your hot yoga DVDs or the latest corrected version of Go Set a Watchman.”

Clarkson said: “I will be doing the deliveries in a Lamborghini Aventador because you can’t afford one. And if you don’t answer the door within 10 seconds I’ll tell you that you look like a Mexican prostitute and then punch you.

“In the face.”

The Amazon spokesman added: “We’re hoping Little Mickey won’t have too many bored housewives on his route as there’s a strong chance he could become some sort of miniature sex slave.”

COCA-COLA has brought out a non-carbonated version of its signature beverage intended to be drunk warm in the sun.

Coke Warm&Flat, available in Diet, Zero and Cherry varieties, promises to offer that opened-and-left-in-the-car-for-two-hours taste straight from the can.

A Coke spokesman said: “Customer behaviour shows that, while everyone loves the first, refreshing swig of fizzy, ice-cold Coca Cola, they then tend to recoil from the actual taste and put it down for a bit.

“But then, when still thirsty later that same day or the next, they will happily chug that same flat, warm Coke down oblivious to the ants that have fallen in.

“Coke Warm&Flat is the Coke you crave, just as cold tea is the drink you really want but you have to pretend. Now you need live a lie no longer.”

Following the launch of Coke Warm&Flat, the company will prepare for the October launch of Coke Fake, the Coke for everyone who prefers the taste of supermarket own-brand cola to the real thing.

My wife habitually makes a cup of tea first thing in the morning, puts it down somewhere, then when she eventually finds it again, drinks it cold.

A few years ago I had a brilliant idea for what to give her for Christmas - an insulated mug!



It took about 3 days for her to discover that she doesn't actually like hot tea..............................................

Sounds like an uncle of mine Chrise.
He visited us back in the 90's, from the UK.
Mum gave me a tip, "he likes his tea by the pint".
We bought a very large cup, made him his tea, then he waited until it was stone cold before drinking.

Is it a "Yorkie" thing?

Heisenberg was stopped for speeding. When the officer asked him if he knew how fast he was going, he replied, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

I saw this the other day .........

When the kids text me "plz" which is short for "please", I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes"

It amused me!

^^^^^^
Brilliant!

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.

Researchers found that obesity causes 82 per cent of thin people to start giving sanctimonious, ill-informed instructions in a weirdly angry way.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Obese people make others feel irrationally superior, as though being thin is an amazing achievement, like becoming an astronaut.

“The thin people will immediately offer incredibly bad and potentially dangerous advice such as only eating hard-boiled eggs, cutting out soup from your diet, or eating nothing but soup.

“They may also reveal that jogging leaves you in a wheelchair and the best sport for weight loss is golf.”

He added: “The advice is given in a pious way that also implies the obese person is a weak-willed cake-pig who’s trying to bankrupt the NHS.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m particularly grateful to my colleague Helen for constantly reminding me it’s just a matter of willpower, despite being a lazy cow who goes out for a cigarette 15 times a day.”

Nowt wrong wi' flat coke. I keep it by the bed to sip through the night when I wake up in a sweat.
The smoking comment reminded me of an incident about 45 years ago when a customer came into our health food shop for advice on giving up smoking. My opening comment was always that only the smoker could be determined and as soon as they said, "I'd like to give smoking but..." they were beaten.
I then said that if ever she wanted to have a baby she should stop as it stunted the unborn baby's growth. "Oh," she replied, "I smoked all through pregnancy and it didn't affect the baby." I asked how the baby was. "Oh, it was stillborn."

How local is local? The phone just rang and the caller display showed "international out of area", so I answered with my usual snap for such calls and a voice with a southern accent (for me "The south" begins at Stockport but this was estuary [Thames not Ganges] English), asked if I would like my oven or barbecue cleaned. My local company could come and clean my oven or barbecue... So, how local is local