Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.

Researchers found that obesity causes 82 per cent of thin people to start giving sanctimonious, ill-informed instructions in a weirdly angry way.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Obese people make others feel irrationally superior, as though being thin is an amazing achievement, like becoming an astronaut.

“The thin people will immediately offer incredibly bad and potentially dangerous advice such as only eating hard-boiled eggs, cutting out soup from your diet, or eating nothing but soup.

“They may also reveal that jogging leaves you in a wheelchair and the best sport for weight loss is golf.”

He added: “The advice is given in a pious way that also implies the obese person is a weak-willed cake-pig who’s trying to bankrupt the NHS.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m particularly grateful to my colleague Helen for constantly reminding me it’s just a matter of willpower, despite being a lazy cow who goes out for a cigarette 15 times a day.”

Nowt wrong wi' flat coke. I keep it by the bed to sip through the night when I wake up in a sweat.
The smoking comment reminded me of an incident about 45 years ago when a customer came into our health food shop for advice on giving up smoking. My opening comment was always that only the smoker could be determined and as soon as they said, "I'd like to give smoking but..." they were beaten.
I then said that if ever she wanted to have a baby she should stop as it stunted the unborn baby's growth. "Oh," she replied, "I smoked all through pregnancy and it didn't affect the baby." I asked how the baby was. "Oh, it was stillborn."

How local is local? The phone just rang and the caller display showed "international out of area", so I answered with my usual snap for such calls and a voice with a southern accent (for me "The south" begins at Stockport but this was estuary [Thames not Ganges] English), asked if I would like my oven or barbecue cleaned. My local company could come and clean my oven or barbecue... So, how local is local

dandybandy: I am wondering why your "called ID" (or whatever you have installed) did not show their phone number if they are in England. It could be another scam,
I hope you said "NO"

Jazzgirl I think some of them are routed abroad so as to get round UK legislation. I didn't say no, even though our oven needs a serious clean, as I just listen to a recording long enough to hear the substance and then hang up. If it's a live voice with a foreign accent named, for instance, Pete, I usually tell them that that's the first lie and hang up. I sometimes get a bit ruder especially if they're calling from "Windows service".

(To check if a short post will sneak through the new rules.)

I tried to write the full text of "War and Peace" on here but it was banned, so here is the precis

Army invades, army retreats

the end

Thanks Jazzgirl, I can now say I've read the slightly abridged version of War and Peace. Excellent!

Does that go with having seen or heard the shortest play in the world.
"Hello Godot, you're early."
Not one of mine . I think it was Barry Cryer on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

...........or the shortest blues song:

"Didn't wake up this morning....................."