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Malone

Sorry for the delay in replying. I am afraid I must decline your invitation to be Chairman. I know my place, and I accept the categories that Grunger mentioned were in the Times crossword. I am down there with the humble amoeba.

I know she wears grunge, grunger, so she will be delighted to see plainclothes man, or woman in her case, as an answer.

I didn't see a category that suited you but it might appear another day.

Tyke

I should have been at Lords for a few days and I suppose you would have been at Headingly, such good weather too. But the BBC are still showing the fixtures so we cant be far away.

Jigjag

Tough times for everyone - lets hope we get some cricket this summer.
I`ve booked usual Hotel at Scarb for our 2 championship games there, also the festival week at Cheltenham in July - fingers crossed. Lord`s is my favourite ground, a couple of years ago I did the Lord`s tour before seeing Donny play at Millwall the same evening - happy day (but we lost!)

Tyke, Grunger, Jigjag

Tyke ,
I loved your PIke stuff (not pikestaff) and am really looking forward to the launch of your company, Tyke's Pikes.

Grunger

If you're at a loose end, perhaps you could spend time designing a new household implement. I have no idea what would be involved, I just want to add 'Grunger's Plungers' to our skills list.

Jigjag,

Sorry to hear the Chairmanship is unappealing. I'm sure you'd have been perfect, but if you don't want the responsibility... As Pedants United has now branched off into an employment/self-employment agency, I wonder if you could perhaps help out on the catering front? Tyke and Grunger will be overseeing the production line - of their pikes and plungers - and ensuring that we meet all safety requirements, health and safety needs etc. I'd like to ensure that they are adequately fed throughout, so I thought you could be in charge of lunches. How does 'Master Of The Rolls' sound? Would you be interested in the position? (I must be honest and say that part of the appeal of appointing you is that I'm hoping you'd be able to get substantial discounts from your friends in the catering world. I bet you Ivan Napple could be persuaded to give you mates' rates).

Tyke

Good luck for Scarb and Cheltenham - I hope "small" crowds are allowed by then but those matches might not qualify. I have tickets for 2 Tests in August but am not hopeful. Lets hope some sport is allowed. I think Sir K wants it and Theresa May would certainly have allowed some in June I'm sure.

Malone

I accept your invitation to be Master of the Rolls. I already hold that title of course, but Mrs J is not happy that I wont let her drive it. But she can help me with the catering side of the title. I must ring Ivan and ask about discounts. He will surely salsify our request.

I have heard that Grunger is re-training as a plumbress, as there is no future for dancers. I think Grungers Plungers would indeed be an excellent name for her company.

Jigjag

I wonder if you should really be 'Grand Master Of The Rolls' if you'll be holding two titles simultaneously? I'm glad you'll have help on the catering side, both from Mrs Jigjag and from the Master Of The Market, Ivan. I liked the idea of him being able to 'salsify' our request - I'm sure he knows his onions … and his leeks and his cucumbers...

Although Grunger may be pleased to train as a 'plumbress', I think it's an extremely unappealing word - it both looks and sounds ugly. I wonder if Grunger would be content to be known as 'The Wench With A Wrench' ?

Grunger

Take no notice of them - your prowess as a tap dancer will ensure your plumbing qualification is a formality.

Malone, Jigjag

I agree with Malone that "plumbress" is not an elegant word. It looks rather like "plumpness" which I dont like either.

I do like "Wench with a Wrench", very appropriate. I have a problem with one of the words though. "Wench" is fine, as I have been a bar and serving one, but "wrench" seems too American. However, I will accept the title as I dont want to put a spanner in the works.

Tyke

I dont know about prowess but I have been a *ap dancer as well as a *ap dancer. You are right that these experiences will help with my plumbing exams.

Grunger,

A relief to hear that you don't fancy being a 'plumbress' or a 'plumberess', what ungainly words those are. I didn't realise 'wrench' might be an American word, but my knowledge of DIY, tools etc is on a par with my knowledge of cricket - ie non-existent. I hate to worry you, but there will definitely be times when you're called upon to put a spanner in the works.

With you and Tyke restoring the economy - with your piking and plunging - I hope you will spare a thought for your underskilled friends in PU. I don't know about Jigjag, but I am happy to accept any donations.

Malone

Thank you for nominating me for Grand Master....., it sounds rather er... grand, but I accept on condition people dont think I am in charge of some grand organisation.

By the way, why are the Government telling us to "Stay Home". This grates - surely "Stay at Home" would be correct. No wonder people are not obeying when they cant understand the message.

Grunger

Do you mean you have been a rap dancer? What is it?

Jigag/GM Jigjag,

I'm delighted you've accepted your title. I'm sure most clear-thinking people will realise that the name is a mark of respect, nothing more. I feel I should also remind you that 'the loftier the title, the smaller the salary'.

Your 'at home' stuff sounds very valid to me. 'Stay Home' does sound a little odd. Your comment reminded me of something that's been irritating my inner pedant. Because of social distancing, many supermarkets have brought in queuing systems, to lessen numbers in store. I've had various communications from Waitrose and others, I've read many newspaper articles. Lots of these refer to the 'one in, one out' policy. I feel this is inherently wrong - it's completely back to front. The stores are actually working on a 'one out, one in' basis - ie as one shopper leaves, another can be admitted.