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Grunger

I sympathise with you re the Dunkerque clue.When I was in France, they not only refused to speak English, but very rarely used foreign words in their crosswords ( Malone does them too). Occasionally they would use an English word e.g. l'esprit de Dunkirk, le chimeme and L'Utopism.

Malone

I have printed several copies of the Goverment advice and will be taking them with me today. Of course I cannot hand them out so I have made paper aeroplanes out of them. Any dog-walker or runner coming near me will receive a well-directed missile giving the latest guidance.

Jigjag,

Your paper planes sound a rather nifty idea, though I feel only be-gloved dog walkers and runners will be able to read the information immediately. The dog-walkers should, of course, have access to disposable gloves, so not too much of a problem. I have seen lots of runners sporting clothes made from Lycra - and what an unpleasant sight it is at times - but I have never seen one with gloves, Lycra or otherwise. Perhaps you could embrace a rather old-fashioned (or traditional if you prefer) means of communication. I'm thinking of sandwich boards or those placards on a stick that some over-zealous 'believers' used to carry. H'mm, that last could work - 'Beware, the end is nigh' might resonate with many people today!

PS I hope you don't find several of today's Times clues rather … troublesome.

So pleased to have found some other dog-dislikers!

I really did go to someone's house recently and get a note on a piece of paper held up to the window. I was standing a good 3 m from the house but of course had to get quite close to read the thing (am short-sighted). Nothing wrong with conversation (at a distance) out of an open window! Anyway, thinking of relearning semaphore. Was it the Goodies who used this to advantage?

One of my neighbours isists on calling her cat. Do they respond?

To maintain social distancing get a Jimmy Savile disguise kit. People will avoid you like the plague (to coin an appropriate phrase)

I love dogs - it`s just some of the owners I don`t like. The ones who enjoy watching their dogs `jump up` at people (especially on a wet day) are a particular nuisance. If the innocent party complains they often get a load of verbal abuse for their trouble.

rosalind
The semaphore version of Wuthering heights was Monty Python. I tried and failed to find a working link.

Mump-ridden Nancy Blackett communicated through the window by semaphore in Winter holiday, of course.

Tyke 51 so agree with you. Wet day, clean jeans, minding my own business on a walk, dog jumps up. When I ask politely if the owner will call the dog off am told "He's only being friendly". I have considered putting my hands in the mud and being similarly friendly.
If I complain about the masses (literally) of cat faeces in my garden I am told it's what cats do.
What I do, if I see them, is wield a water pistol.

chrise, thanks, I remember now. Heathcliffe! Heathcliffe!
Catherine!

Malone

I decided to take up your idea. I have made one of those placard-on-a-stick things with some materials I panic-bought few weeks ago. I have attached the Government advice to it rather than a message of doom. The stick is 6 foot long which will do I suppose and I can use it to ward off anyone coming too close. I am going out with it now. What can go wrong?

Jigjag,

Spendid! Let me know how you and your big stick get on. I was initially a little concerned as I have always abided by the '2 metre' distance, as advised by the authorities and that is longer than your six foot stick. I am relieved to say that the Gov.UK website isn't fully au fait with the metric system - the guidelines there say '2 metres (6 feet)'. Your stick is a multi-purpose tool - you can use it simply to display the advice, you can use it to measure the distance between you and any other person, and you can wave it about - very enthusiastically - to repel anyone who looks to be getting too close to you.

If the big stick doesn't work, maybe you could try the carrots approach?

Malone

I’m afraid it was a disaster. The placard and stick looked rather professional and my walk started well enough. Although I didn’t see any yachts, several people approached and read the advice from a safe distance. I had of course printed it in large letters.

But I soon found that I was attracting those that I sought to repel, particularly runners and dogs, and like Rosalind, I feel that my clean jeans might have been the problem. As you say, the stick was just long enough to fend off undesirables.

I’m afraid some passing cyclists told me, somewhat rudely, that I knew what I could do with my Government advice – the stick too. But when I was nearly home, a gust of wind detached the placard from the stick and blew it into a garden. As I retrieved it, I was approached by a growling dog and an even fiercer owner.

“We don’t want any religious nutters here, even if it is Easter” she said.

“But it’s not Easter until Sunday” I protested, but I know this is a futile argument and I beat a hasty retreat.