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Grunger,

After your stellar performance in Wigan, you may have got a real taste for treading the boards. I was reading a copy of 'The Stage' earlier today and I spotted a job that might be ideal for you. The role is 'The Pie Piper', and if you can do a turn on the bagpipes, I'm sure the job could be yours. Your knowledge of pies is exceptional, and it'd be good to do something with it. I think the job involves you leading people (children perhaps?) through the streets, with pie stops along the way.

PS Other versions of this post existed in bygone times. There was a poem about a Pied Piper, his purposes were more nefarious. There was also a Scottish variation, The Pie-Eyed Piper, just a drunken man in a kilt, playing bagpipes exceedingly badly.

Jigjag

Great to hear that my mental picture was reasonably accurate. I've always found it useful to go to markets or shops by bus - it limits the amount of shopping I buy, as there are limits to what I can carry. I hope you don't find yourself overladen after a trip to Ivor Napple.

Malone

Thanks for spotting the job opportunity for me. I would love to play the Pie Piper. I think the flute might be best. I have played it for children before but luckily they didn't follow me down the street. I have never tried the bagpipes but I wouldn't mind a go. It is such a strange instrument, all those pipes, when one should do.

I haven't got a kilt but I do have a tartan skirt which should be OK. I could take my toaster, as some Browning will be useful. I will try to get an audition.

Grunger

Good to see you embracing new job opportunities at the start of the new year. I'm afraid a flute won't be allowed - the role necessitates a bagpiper. I think it won't take you long to pick up the necessary skills, it looks a pretty simple instrument to me - four pipes and a bag, how complicated can it be?

Your tartan skirt will, I think, be fine - so long as it swooshes and swirls about as you stride along. I chuckled at the idea of you taking along the toaster, for Browning. I don't think you'll have a spare hand for that, so just leave it behind.

I wonder if Jigjag would like to fill the Pie-Eyed Piper slot? He seemed to have an awful lot of beer cans at one point, so could be the ideal candidate. I'll maybe send him a quick telegram, just to check. (My carrier pigeon's not well, so I'll resort to the slightly slower option.)

Malone

I am sorry but I cant accept the role. I used to play the bagpipes until I read that the definition of a gentleman is "a man who can play the bagpipes but doesn't". I have still got them though and will gladly lend them to Grunger to get some practice. I am happy to accompany her on any of my instruments, clarinet, oboe, piano or guitar.

Grunger

I can drop the bagpipes off when I pick up the engine oil on Tuesday.

I remember, but can't place "I brought my harp to the party, but no-one asked me to play"

malone

Pity about the flute and toaster. I will try to find some bagpipes this week. My skirt wont swoosh or swirl unfortunately, it is too short and tight for that. I will have to look for an alternative in my wardrobe.

ChrisE, a version of your harp thing ('I took my harp...') features in a Gracie Fields' song.

Grunger

Sorry to hear your skirt is not appropriate. I will continue to look out for pie opportunities and performing opportunities. It might have to be one or the other, though I was hoping to combine both.

Jigjag

You too are giving up piping? My employment agency, careers advice centre, isn't doing very well. H'mm, if you invested in some of the holey jeans, you could be The Hobo With An Oboe. I wonder if Britain's Got Talent would be interested in that.

malone

I am pleased to say that I have got an audition for the role of the Pie Piper on Thursday at the BBC studios in Salford. I will have all Wednesday to learn how to play Jigjag's bagpipes. They provide a harp, a piano and an accompanist, but you can take your own if you wish. If ChrisE or Jigjag would like to accomany me, that would be great.

Grunger
Great news! I hope all goes well on Thursday. I think you should take along some of your pies - the finer specimens, not those with rather outlandish flavours. Just tell the auditioning board that this is a thematic gesture, we wouldn't want them to think you were trying to bribe your way into the job.

My musical knowledge is probably on a par with my knowledge of cricket, but there seems something not quite right about a harp accompanying bagpipes. Are you sure they didn't say there would be a 'harpie' there, ie a dragon of an interviewer? I think ChrisE and Jigjag - and any other PU member who wants to get involved - should accompany you … on the journey to Salford or in a musical sense.