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Helpful Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END

On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING CONTAINS NUTS.

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

-136.5 C

Sorry - temperature ratios only work if you use the Kelvin scale, so 0C is 273K (assuming you are working in K rather than F). Twice as cold - half as warm - is 136.5K, so -136.5C.

(I know that you weren't expecting a serious answer!)

Chrise - I'm starting to worry.......

However,
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Did they feel Delhirious?

I had a chicken Tarka the other day, it's like a chicken tikka.........only otter!

Bahuta Accha Bernie.

Before The Trouble Starts

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts."

The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts."

The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts."

The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"

To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

I ordered a pelican curry the other day. It tasted okay but the bill was enormous.