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Sorry Helen about adding an 'a' to your name. Here is one for you:-

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.
Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Under recent European legislation, holly with spines on the outside is no longer legal and by 2013 must be replaced by the new style where all the pricks are on the inside.

Furthermore, following the latest legislation from the Safety Elves, La is no longer allowed to work alone and must be accompanied by another La, forming Lala pairs.

Finally, the Association of Local Government Administrative Executives (ALGAE), in the light of their resticted pay scales, expenses and bonuses, has recommended that jollity is forbidden until at least 2017.

Here are some questions and answers given in quizes on TV and Radio.
Judging by the answers given I am wondering if any of our recent contributors can be identified!
THE WEAKEST LINK(BBC2)
Anne Robinson - Oscar Wilde,Adolph Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant - The Conservative Party.


University Challenge(BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman-What is another name for "Cherrypickers"and "Cheesemongers"?
Contestant-Homosexuals
Paxman-No.They are regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


Beacon Radio(Wolverhampton)
DJMark-For 10,What is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis-I think I know that one.Is it Jewish?

GWR FM(Bristol)
What happened in Dallas on 22nd November 1963
Contestant-I don't know,I wasn't watching it then.

Richard and Judy
Richard-On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant- Er....
Richard-He makes bread
Contestant- Er....
Richard-He makes cakes
Contestant-Kipling Street

GOOD THEM JOKER.

Thank you Mark,and to push this thread onwards towards 600,here is another.

BBC(Norfolk)

-Stewart White-Who had a world wide hit with "What a Wonderful World"?
Contestant-I don't know
White-I'll give you some clues:What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant-Arm
White-Correct,and if you're not weak you're ....?
Contestant-Strong
White-Correct,and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant-Louis
White-Well there we are then.So who had a world wide hit with the song"What a Wonderful World"?
Contestant-Frank Sinatra?

From another place....

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't scan or rhyme and I don't give a shit.

good one that john from arran.

Anyone else think the 'Man from Craggy Island' has stepped over the line,? anyone?

Sorry Helene, the above should (of course) read Helen.

Hello Helen - I don't think Father Jack over on the craggy isle has overstepped the mark there but probably has described Richard Head's perfect woman. Don't think he is the disreputable Dick either or agrees with the sentiment - just passing on the message!