Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

Sorry, no compensation claims will be entertained. I don't even have a microwave. I wonder why that is? Anyway, this made me laugh so I present it for your delectation.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep', the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that s**t.'

good them two.

Oh dear, dropped down to page 5 again, but I need to ask you all a question:

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently visited my GP for a "Well Man" clinic.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (62).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat steaks and other red meat?'.

I said, 'Not much, I know that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or cycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'Then, why would you want to live to be 80!'

I just performed some necromancy on this thread to rescue it from page 8, as I wanted to share a thought with you all. This evening, the first time for ages, I saw a TV advert which told the truth.

"It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S."

Absolutely correct, it would be "Chrita".

well spotted as scrooge said humbug.

Rumour has it that this may be of interest to you gentlemen...

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Holts Tyreweld

This example of Glasgow logic was in today's Herald. I thought I would share it with you. The ferry is still tied up here and doesn't look as though it will sail today, so there's no papers. Had to resort to the wibble thingy.

The H1N1 swine flu vaccine should not be taken if you are allergic to eggs as the vaccine is produced in chicken eggs and thus contains traces of egg protein.

This fact was not known to the elderly lady overheard on a Glasgow bus this week who told her pal it was odd that her doc, giving the swine flu jab, asked if she was allergic to eggs.

“I mean,” she went on, “what’s that to do with pigs? They don’t have eggs.”

Her pal pondered this conundrum for a few moments before coming up with the solution: “Ah but, you eat bacon with eggs. That must be the connection.”

And, thus, with the medical problem solved, the conversation turned to the weather.

Just received this over the Web:-


Please pass on, thanks.




IMPORTANT

Warning..!!!!
Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public car park. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home, it was a receipt for petrol. Luckily my friend told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the
car. Then we received this email yesterday.

WARNING FROM POLICE
THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN
BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE--
NEW WAY TO DO CARJACKINGS (NOT A JOKE)'

Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating.. You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine put it into reverse.

When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you stop and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view.
When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically run you over as they speed off in your car.

And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car.
So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!

BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.

If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, lock your doors and just drive away.
Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you
read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women.
A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.
Please tell all your friends

Nice one Celadon - this might deserve a new thread?

Trevor

No new thread, that would be going backwards, let's go on for the century

Rovert