celadon
25th September 2009, 09:03
Think we'll hit 400 before 1st October?
387
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the joker
26th September 2009, 20:42
Tempus fugit Celadon,only 3 days to go.
Maybe loads of posters waiting on sidelines to pounce at the last minute,and claim the coveted prize.
Joker
Maybe loads of posters waiting on sidelines to pounce at the last minute,and claim the coveted prize.
Joker
388
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anniec
26th September 2009, 20:54
I am beginning to suspect that all the recent posts on this are a monologue (with the notable exception of John from A who told me how to get to he end using offset) and only one other person ever replies to Celadon using a variety of pseudonyms, and telling themselves very old jokes which they laugh at and then correct. It's the only thing that explains these weird goings on! lol whoever you are
389
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john (from arran)
26th September 2009, 23:31
In post 381, TJ scrobe:
...You really are a Master at baiting people on this site.
Soooooo, whilst we are talking about being a baiting master ....
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside..
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
http://scottishtheatreforum.net/forum/Smileys/default/mexican_wave.gif" />
...You really are a Master at baiting people on this site.
Soooooo, whilst we are talking about being a baiting master ....
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside..
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
390
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john (from arran)
26th September 2009, 23:40
... and for the first post in the final run up to 400 messages we have this tale:
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his @*&!^# widow!
http://scottishtheatreforum.net/forum/Smileys/default/end.gif" />
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his @*&!^# widow!
391
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the joker
27th September 2009, 01:35
Hope this one isn't too old for you!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,orders three pints of guinness and sits in the back of the room,drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three,he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The barman says to him"You know,a pint goes flat after I draw it.It would taste better if you bought one at a time"
The Irishman replies"Well you see,I have two brothers,one in America,the other in Australia and i'm here in Dublin.When we all left home,we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way,ordering three pints and drinking from each in turn
One day he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes up to the bar for the second round the barman says"I don't want to intrude on your grief,but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss"
The Irishman looks confused for a moment then the light dawnsand he laughs.
"Oh,no," he says.Every one is fine.It's me......
I've quit drinking".
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,orders three pints of guinness and sits in the back of the room,drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three,he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The barman says to him"You know,a pint goes flat after I draw it.It would taste better if you bought one at a time"
The Irishman replies"Well you see,I have two brothers,one in America,the other in Australia and i'm here in Dublin.When we all left home,we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way,ordering three pints and drinking from each in turn
One day he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes up to the bar for the second round the barman says"I don't want to intrude on your grief,but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss"
The Irishman looks confused for a moment then the light dawnsand he laughs.
"Oh,no," he says.Every one is fine.It's me......
I've quit drinking".
392
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celadon
28th September 2009, 11:10
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey , it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at Debanhams now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000, Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure , go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000.
MAN: "OK , but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh , and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £2,950,000 for it.
MAN: "Well , then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000, They will probably take it. If not , we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you , too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment , mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey , it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at Debanhams now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000, Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure , go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000.
MAN: "OK , but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh , and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £2,950,000 for it.
MAN: "Well , then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000, They will probably take it. If not , we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you , too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment , mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
393
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coline
28th September 2009, 19:41
My vicar called to see me the other day and whilst he was here he said, "Well, Colin, now that you are reaching a certain age, I ought to check that you are prepared for the Hereafter".
"Oh, no fear of that, Vicar," I replied. " I frequently visit the shop, library, the bathroom or the garage and say to myself 'Now what have I come here after'"
"Oh, no fear of that, Vicar," I replied. " I frequently visit the shop, library, the bathroom or the garage and say to myself 'Now what have I come here after'"
394
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celadon
29th September 2009, 07:14
Know the feeling well, Colin.
395
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carolthescot
29th September 2009, 18:17
That's brilliant Colin :~D
396
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