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Diet & Health

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for 40 is XL

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

When everybody on earth had passed on and was waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their households, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was over a 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their households, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here"

Good morning jolan, you're very sprightly today. I only have #s 1 & 4 on reading and as usual look forward to a rigorous mental workout with the others.

Apologies celadon et all, I got thrown off when posting to jolan and on "reentering" the thread did not notice I had been directed here!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.

The self-styled deputy prime minster said the name change would be the only thing in his party’s manifesto and make everyone in Britain ‘incredibly excited’.

Clegg insisted his new name would transform the NHS and that rich people and big companies would pay more tax to someone called Ryan because ‘they just want to be part of something cool and sexy’.

He added: “UKIP and the Tories want to take us back to the days of ‘Alf’ and ‘Stan’. Labour is now the party of ‘Caleb’ and ‘Finn’. The SNP wants everyone to be named ‘Kenny’ and, given the chance, the Green Party will change your first name to ‘Manure Production Facility’.

“Ryan is obviously much better than all of those. Especially Finn.”

Martin Bishop, who lives in Clegg’s Sheffield constituency, said: “I just hope it’s not too late. When he broke his promise on student fees I said he had to change his name to Ryan, or possibly Idris.

“I will vote for him, but only because it’s so unbelievably cool and sexy.”

Meanwhile, Clegg also announced that business secretary Vince Cable has changed his first name to ‘Channing’.

A man received the following text from his neighbor (it was in the US):

“ I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.”


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Bloody autocorrect, I meant "wifi", not "wife" . . . . sorry.”

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women.

Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)