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'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

Did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum" ?

Hitler woman is an anagram of mother in law.

How long is a piece of string?

Ans: Twice as long as from one end to the middle.

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4,STAY OUT OF THE WATER
5 . TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
7.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train.""Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office, it was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I like this woman. :

Church Ladies With Typewriters


They’re back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:



The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Crazy Laws - Utah
It is against the law to fish from horseback.

When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.

It is illegal not to drink milk.

It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

In Kaysville, UT, you must have identification to enter a convienence store after dark.

In Logan, UT, women may not swear.

In Monroe, UT, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

In Provo, UT, throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.

In Salt Lake City, UT, no one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.

In Trout Creek, UT, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

I wonder about the sanity of the people who write these laws. Next time I'm in Salt Lake City I will be careful how I carry my Violin.

The Dog That Cornered Osama Bin Laden... not your standard K9.

When U.S. President Barack Obama went to Fort Campbell , Kentucky , for a very private meeting with the commando team that killed Osama bin Laden, only one of the 81 members of the super-secret SEAL DevGru unit was identified by name:
Cairo, the war dog.

Cairo, like most canine members of the elite U.S. Navy SEALs, is a Belgian Malinois. The Malinois breed is similar to German shepherds but smaller and more compact, with an adult male weighing in the 30-kilo range.