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A haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Brazilian Mudslides Death Toll Top 800.


Alright, the first few might be amusing but you wouldn't want to sit through all 800 would you.

Last month, a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

Unfortunately the survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

These scammers never give up - just received this:-

From Bella Duncan
Feb 4, 03:35PM

Hello Dear,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.

It is due to the political crisis in my country.

introducing myself, I am Bella Duncan Gavin, the Only Daughter of the late Duncan Gavin, my father was a gold and cocoa mercahnt based in accra, Ghana and Abidjan (Ivory Coast), he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their business trips recetly.

Before his death, He called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $7.500,000USD deposited in one of the prime bank here in abidjan ivory coast, that he used my name for the next of kin in depositing of the fund.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas.

For more details.

Reply to my private e-mail box below: ( bella4you11@yahoo.com )

Awaiting your urgent reply.

Please reply to my e-mai:( bella4you11@yahoo.com )

Regards,

Bella Duncan.

Why did Oliver twist?

Because he saw Joy stick!

PHILIP

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…

“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said the man…

“the little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms”

After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home.

As we pulled up outside her house, I turned to thank her and noticed she was struggling to find the door handle.

I stretched across, my arm softly brushing against her breast.

"Oh, sorry about that," I said apologetically.

"That's Ok," she replied, with a certain glint in her eye, "I liked it."

I thought to myself, " She's up for it, do I take a chance?"

As I nervously moved forward to kiss her, she slowly closed her eyes and opened her mouth, our tongues met. I slipped my hand up her skirt and before I knew it, we'd had the most mind-blowing sex in the car.

After, I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum, same time next week, yeah?"

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR...

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close ....

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip,slide, skid and bump into things even in the best of weather....

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins....

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed and my fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!