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celadon

9th November 2013, 17:47
Well done ab.
...............................................

MASKED protesters around the world have called for a sequel to the 2006 dystopian thriller V for Vendetta.
Activists in London, Japan, Australia and New Zealand demanded that producers immediately open talks with Natalie Portman about starring in a second film.
Protester Tom Booker, who asked to remain anonymous, said: “That such a fully realised cinematic universe has not been revisited is a crime for which we hold world leaders and big business equally responsible.
“The time for a sequel, with Portman taking on the role of her masked mentor in an outfit with less cloak and more leather corset, is now.
“And yes, I’m willing to make the script I’ve written available.”
A spokesman for the G8 nations said: “We recognise the passion of the individuals involved, but they need a lesson in geopolitical realities.
“V for Vendetta only grossed $132 million, which after production costs and marketing barely made the studio a profit.
“And from a story perspective the fascist regime was defeated, leaving any putative second film without a third act conflict.
“The best we can offer is a straight-to-DVD prequel starring Tara Reid and a former wrestler.”
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celadon

14th November 2013, 10:32
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
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celadon

16th November 2013, 15:10
TV CHEF Jamie Oliver is to make Death Row prisoners’ last meals healthier and more nutritious.
The forthcoming Channel 4 series Jamie’s Death Row Meals was inspired by reports that a murderer in Florida had enjoyed a calorific final meal of fatty foods including pizza, chicken gizzards and ice cream.
Jamie Oliver said: “American jails need to promote fresh, balanced dining options to killers on the day of their execution.
“Every year hundreds of men and women are going to the gas chamber without having tried home-made pesto or even a simple rocket salad sprinkled with pine nuts.
“Not only that, but in the unlikely event that they get a last-minute reprieve they won’t survive another decade on a diet of deep fried pig knuckles.”
Filming has already begun on contrived scenes where Jamie clashes with prison catering staff over their reluctance to push salads, steamed fish and locally-sourced produce to people who are staring death in the face.
In the show, inmates final meal requests are taken as normal, then ignored as Jamie whips up a healthy alternative.
Convicted murderer Roy Hobbs said: “For my last meal this morning, I ordered two racks of barbecued ribs, seven pounds of home fries and a two-foot hot dog, all covered in bright yellow liquid cheese.
“So you can imagine my surprise when a suspiciously plump English dude arrives with a ‘four-grain summer salad’.
“If this is what the world’s come to, I’m ready to die.”
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syzygy

18th November 2013, 04:58
Good one, Celadon !

Not sure if you posted it or where I saw it.
Crazy laws -- in Colorado it is / was illegal to collect rainwater. The idea was that you were stealing from those who had "rights" to the water-table.
Duh!! Where did they think the water would end up? Sold to aliens?

They have lightened up a bit:
http://www.ncsl.org/research/environment-and-natural-resources/rainwater-harvesting.aspx

Scary people.
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celadon

20th November 2013, 15:04
Scientists say they've found the world's oldest creature -- unfortunately, they've also killed the poor thing.
The creature in question is an ocean quahog known as the 'Ming clam'. It was found in northern Wales about seven years ago and, at the time, it was believed the creature was roughly four hundred years old.
That meant the Ming clam was the world's oldest creature, and soon found itself in the Guinness Book of World Records. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the previous record was set by another clam, though that one was discovered in Iceland.
However, upon further investigation scientists at Bangor University in Wales found that the mollusk was, in fact, more than five hundred years old.
In order to reach that conclusion, the Welsh scientists had to freeze the Ming clam and then open it up in order to study its inner rings.
That process, which resulted in the researchers killing the creature, showed that the mollusk began life 507 years ago. That means the Ming clam was born in 1499 -- just a few years after Columbus discovered the New World.
For their part, the Bangor University scientists said they didn't intend to kill the ancient clam.
"The longest-lived clam was collected along with many others and, as it is impossible to age the clams until their shells have been opened, there was no indication of its extreme age until after this had been done," Bangor University noted in a press release.
"The notion that scientists knew in advance that it was the longest-lived species and then deliberately destroyed it is plainly incorrect."
In any case, the Bangor University researchers are certain they've got the Ming clam's age right this time around.
"We got it wrong the first time and maybe we were a bit hasty publishing our findings back then," noted Bangor School of Ocean Sciences researcher Dr. Paul Butler. "But we are absolutely certain that we've got the right age now."
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celadon

21st November 2013, 10:14
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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celadon

11th December 2013, 09:25
Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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bernie

11th December 2013, 12:28
I hope the ticket was like the joke........first class!
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celadon

12th December 2013, 08:38
THE Work and Pensions Secretary is to spend the next 4,570 nights stacking shelves at Poundland.
Following a High Court decision that making benefit claimants work for free is unlawful, Duncan Smith is being held personally liable to fulfil contracts made to supply labour.
His first shift began at Poundland in Newcastle-under-Lyme at 10pm yesterday evening, when Duncan Smith was handed a branded tabard and told to “guard it with his life”.
He was then given his first official caution of the night for leaving the Povvos Suck tattoo on his upper arm exposed.
Poundland employee Emma Bradford said: “He was caught curled up trying to sleep on a pallet of cat litter in the back, which is when the manager gave him his second caution.
“Then Iain got put on pricing, and if anything he was even more useless. He wouldn’t stop asking how much everything was.”
A tired-looking Duncan Smith told reporters: “It’s challenging but good breeding is on my side, giving me the height to reach even the top shelf on the notoriously demanding cereals aisle.
“And I categorically deny any suggestion that I was given my third caution at 6am been getting caught smoking a hash pipe with a security guard out by the bins.”
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celadon

18th December 2013, 15:59
THE late Ronnie Biggs has been hailed for his contribution to theft.

Channel 5 documentary-type gangster Tom ‘Pliers’ Logan said: “It’s a sad thing, but lots of people these days are happy to do jobs like teaching and nursing to get money, rather than good old robbing.

“I hope Ronnie gets fawning obituaries in national newspapers, because he definitely deserves that. Doing a big robbery is way better than doing a science discovery or something.”

15-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’m too young to remember the Great Train Robbery, but reading about it encouraged me to ‘twock’ a Fiat Uno. Yeah, sticking it to the system.

“It’s funny cos Mandela died last week. I think they were similar because Mandela was about liberating a nation and Biggs was about liberating other people’s money.”

Career criminal Roy Hobbs said: “Ronnie was a great character and that’s what counts. That’s why when I burgle someone’s house I make sure to do it in a ‘cheeky’ way.”
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