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First Christmas joke and its Scottish.....

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Crazy Laws - Nevada
It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

In Clark County NV, an ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.

In Elko NV, Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.

In Eureka NV, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

In Nyala NV, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.

THE withdrawal of HSBC’s Cartel Plus account has left Mexico’s drug lords saddled with inconvenient cash.
AS the bank agreed to pay a £1.2bn fine following a money-laundering probe, it withdrew its popular ‘gang boss-only’ current account.
The Cartel Plus product offered a choice of introductory firearms, health insurance for shoot-out injuries and a free directory of judges’ home addresses.
Gang boss ‘El Guapo’ said: “They’ve closed my Cartel Plus and moved my ill-gotten millions into a standard current account with a piss poor interest rate.
“I’ve looked at Cash ISAs but they’re not really suitable for vast sums of drug money. And there’s nothing on moneysavingexpert.com about laundering options.
“All the drug lords are really annoyed about this. I’ve got a massive shipment of narcotics crossing the border at 4.45am so I hope my PIN number still works because I need cash to bribe the guards.”
He added: “I’ve a good mind to visit my local HSBC and give them some grenade-based feedback.”
Consumer affairs expert Tom Logan said: “If you’re opening a crime-based account make sure to check the small print because they can be closed without notice.
“Alternately you could use a private launderer but your money may not be safe if your contact’s decapitated body is found floating in a reservoir.
“However a lot of high street banks will launder cash, if you tell them your nan died and left you a suitcase containing $30 million in unmarked notes.”

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all. I'll be back mid January 2013 - that is if
the "poser" is not too deeply buried or the following happens......

Apocalypse confirmed for 4.59pm this Friday
THE world is going to end just as everyone is turning their computer off ready for the Christmas break, it has emerged.Office workers, who had been really looking forward to some holiday after slogging through the most arduous months of the year, are dismayed at the news.
Sale co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “This is just bloody typical. HR says we can’t leave early on Friday because there’s nothing in our contracts about the End of Days.
“I suppose the last thing I’ll ever see is a message saying ‘You have successfully logged out’.”
Telemarketing operative Tom Logan said: “I guess I could chuck a sickie on Friday but it’d be pretty obvious.
“Apocalypse or not, I”m still scared of my line manager.”
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We’ve done all the relevant tests and it turns out everything’s just going to stop, like when someone switches off a telly.
“No asteroid, no earthquake, just the barely audible clicking of the cosmic ‘off’ switch following by infinite blackness and silence, forever.”
Professor Brubaker predicts humanity’s last day will be an orgy of showing-off as humans compete to mark their extinction in the most ‘creative’ way.
“Anyone who doesn’t have to work will be frantically uploading photos of themselves on a mountaintop, dressed as a Confederate soldier, lying on their side and covered in yoghurt.
“It seems that, ultimately, the most important thing in life is to make people think you’re cool.”


Celadon.

Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you Celadon. I look forward to the little gems you post on this thread. Keep up the good work.

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Happy New Year to all; and thank you Kilowatt: excellent anagrams.


Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

They shall get better....

What will get better, the jokes or the patients?

K. The jokes.

Crazy Laws - New Jersey
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

You may not slurp your soup.

If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

In Bernards Township NJ, it is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

In Caldwell NJ, you may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

In Elizabeth NJ, it is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

In Manville NJ, it is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

In Newark NJ, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

In Ocean City NJ, raw hamburger may not be sold.

In Sea Isle City NJ, there will be no boiling of bones on the property.

In Trenton NJ, pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

In Trenton NJ, you may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

Happy New year Caleden ...nice to see you are still amusing us...long may it continue. X

...and Kilowatt, brilliant anagrams, have some of those from an old DODO diary.

The long ones are just amazing.....x