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celadon

16th November 2012, 08:40
THREE Christmas ghosts visited gas executive Tom Logan to show him the error of his ways, but he didn’t give a shit.
As Britain’s gas companies began their annual round of price hikes just in time for the perishing cold of winter, three apparitions appeared in the bedroom of materially-wealthy, spiritually-poor utilities boss Tom Logan.
The Ghost of Christmas Present said: “I took Logan on a journey through the ice-clad streets of London, peering into the window of a poor family huddled around a brazier where they were burning the parents’ wedding photos for heat.
“He simply muttered something about ‘dwindling North Sea reserves’ and ‘the need to stay competitive’.”
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come said: “I took Logan to a funeral the following year, where the same family wept as the body of their bandy-legged son Little Martin was lowered into the ground. They couldn’t afford a coffin so they’d just chipped the thick ice in which he froze to death into a vague rectangular shape.
“Logan was like, ‘Can we get on with this because I’ve got a conference call about how we can make some more lovely money?’”
The Ghost of Christmas Past said: “I couldn’t really do much because it turns out he had always been a callous bastard.”
Tom Logan said: “These ghosts simply don’t understand the tough business conditions in which we have to operate.
“Now if you don’t mind, I’m about to eat a massive swan, in a big warm room all on my own.”
1311 of 1569  -   Report This Post

celadon

1st December 2012, 21:04
Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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celadon

2nd December 2012, 12:56
Amazing. Give it a try!

This is quite astonishing.

How "they" do it is mind boggling, Google maps are very quick.

Makes you wonder what is happening that we don't know about.

The picture of your house may not be its best aspect, but how "they" are able to get it up so quickly is astonishing.

PS The originators of this is a group called Pusher.

Pusher is a digital creative agency with offices in Sydney and Brisbane.

Just type in your address or any family addresses and look through the window at the snow falling on your home today.

Click below to get something for Christmas you won't get anywhere else

http://www.pusher.com.au/clients/pusher-christmas-2011
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kilowatt

2nd December 2012, 14:11
It is amazing and a bit frightening. Big brother is watching and manipulating you.
1314 of 1569  -   Report This Post

celadon

3rd December 2012, 12:02
First Christmas joke and its Scottish.....

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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celadon

8th December 2012, 18:11
Crazy Laws - Nevada
It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

In Clark County NV, an ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.

In Elko NV, Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.

In Eureka NV, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

In Nyala NV, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
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celadon

14th December 2012, 13:44
THE withdrawal of HSBC’s Cartel Plus account has left Mexico’s drug lords saddled with inconvenient cash.
AS the bank agreed to pay a £1.2bn fine following a money-laundering probe, it withdrew its popular ‘gang boss-only’ current account.
The Cartel Plus product offered a choice of introductory firearms, health insurance for shoot-out injuries and a free directory of judges’ home addresses.
Gang boss ‘El Guapo’ said: “They’ve closed my Cartel Plus and moved my ill-gotten millions into a standard current account with a piss poor interest rate.
“I’ve looked at Cash ISAs but they’re not really suitable for vast sums of drug money. And there’s nothing on moneysavingexpert.com about laundering options.
“All the drug lords are really annoyed about this. I’ve got a massive shipment of narcotics crossing the border at 4.45am so I hope my PIN number still works because I need cash to bribe the guards.”
He added: “I’ve a good mind to visit my local HSBC and give them some grenade-based feedback.”
Consumer affairs expert Tom Logan said: “If you’re opening a crime-based account make sure to check the small print because they can be closed without notice.
“Alternately you could use a private launderer but your money may not be safe if your contact’s decapitated body is found floating in a reservoir.
“However a lot of high street banks will launder cash, if you tell them your nan died and left you a suitcase containing $30 million in unmarked notes.”
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celadon

19th December 2012, 12:11
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all. I'll be back mid January 2013 - that is if
the "poser" is not too deeply buried or the following happens......

Apocalypse confirmed for 4.59pm this Friday
THE world is going to end just as everyone is turning their computer off ready for the Christmas break, it has emerged.Office workers, who had been really looking forward to some holiday after slogging through the most arduous months of the year, are dismayed at the news.
Sale co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “This is just bloody typical. HR says we can’t leave early on Friday because there’s nothing in our contracts about the End of Days.
“I suppose the last thing I’ll ever see is a message saying ‘You have successfully logged out’.”
Telemarketing operative Tom Logan said: “I guess I could chuck a sickie on Friday but it’d be pretty obvious.
“Apocalypse or not, I”m still scared of my line manager.”
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We’ve done all the relevant tests and it turns out everything’s just going to stop, like when someone switches off a telly.
“No asteroid, no earthquake, just the barely audible clicking of the cosmic ‘off’ switch following by infinite blackness and silence, forever.”
Professor Brubaker predicts humanity’s last day will be an orgy of showing-off as humans compete to mark their extinction in the most ‘creative’ way.
“Anyone who doesn’t have to work will be frantically uploading photos of themselves on a mountaintop, dressed as a Confederate soldier, lying on their side and covered in yoghurt.
“It seems that, ultimately, the most important thing in life is to make people think you’re cool.”


Celadon.

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kilowatt

19th December 2012, 14:40
Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you Celadon. I look forward to the little gems you post on this thread. Keep up the good work.
1319 of 1569  -   Report This Post

kilowatt

27th December 2012, 18:15
Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
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