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celadon

9th May 2012, 12:10
The three consecutive days :-

Yesterday; Today; Tomorrow.
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celadon

10th May 2012, 07:26
CIA operatives in Yemen have seized a crude underwear bomb, a device which they believe was based on the comic strip Felix and His Amazing Underpants.
Agent Tom Logan said: “We know that Bin Laden was a Viz subscriber. In fact that’s how we finally located him, by getting his address from their mailing list.
“His favourite characters were Biffa Bacon and Sid the Sexist. Bin Laden regularly wrote in to Top Tips but never got one published, a source of deep disappointment that fuelled his animosity towards the West.”
Following the latest underpants-based plot agents are scouring Viz back issues for clues to possible future attacks.
Tom Logan said: “Johnny Fartpants is interesting, we know Al Qaeda likes underwear stuff and his farts could easily be replaced by nerve gas. So that’s a possible technique.
“We’ve also told agents to be alert to highly-sexed obese, inexplicably bearded ‘women’ referring to themselves as ‘San’ and ‘Tray’ in thinly-veiled Middle Eastern accents and asking if they can take them to the Pentagon for a shag.”
During a 2011 raid on a cave in the Arabian Peninsula, a shoddy-looking robot vaguely resembling the character Tinribs was discovered.
Basically a small crate on wheels with a smiley face on a stick, the machine featured a voicebox taken from a child’s doll and adapted to say ‘Death to the infidel’.
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celadon

13th May 2012, 08:14
What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
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celadon

16th May 2012, 12:21
Crazy Laws - California
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

In Baldwin Park CA, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

In Blythe CA, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

In Chico CA, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

In Los Angeles, Zoot suits are prohibited.

In Los Angeles, it is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

In Temecula CA, Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

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celadon

20th May 2012, 09:40
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
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celadon

25th May 2012, 01:25
Simple Truth.

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
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celadon

27th May 2012, 10:40
Crazy Laws - Colorado
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

In Colorado Springs, it is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

In Denver, You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

In Denver, It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
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celadon

29th May 2012, 10:23
Well dear friends, as the 'Poser' grinds to a halt through lack of posts, I have decided to finally!!! stop posting. Hope that this last post is of use to the faithful........


Very interesting and a must read to the end!


The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to complaints. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be sure you read the very last paragraph.
_________________________________________

He wrote:
By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/or truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.


Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!!


1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition", or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever --- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus --- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was your child" --- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate!


2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and Spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own profitable purposes.


You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails in the future!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more.


You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT!


Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the Spammers get rich! Let's not make it easy for them!


ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to government or any other organization - e.g. Social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just helping the email trackers.
Pay special attention to the next bit of information.......
PLEASE delete ALL previous names from your emails before forwarding!!! Send emails to your entire address list BCC then everyone after you doesn't get your friend's email address.

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting..

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get ads enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ads with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 60 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!


If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 60 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!



THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS


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phillip

2nd August 2012, 17:36
just to bring an old friend back...... yet another iffy joke.........

Today, my wife walked in on me and her sister having it off in front of a mirror.

I said "I know what it looks like..."
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kilowatt

2nd August 2012, 18:53
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.
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