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8th October 2012, 10:20
Good one, Celadon! A classic.
Perhaps it's time to start new threads: one for posers, which we haven't seen for a while, & one for jokes.

Here's one I heard today:

A fellow wakes up one morning & a little voice in his head says, "Go to the bank."
He ignores it at first, but it keeps repeating, "Go to the bank," so he finally does.
The little voice says, "Take out $10,000."
He thinks this is nuts, but the voice persists, so eventually he complies.
The voice says, "Fly to Las Vegas."
The guy is somewhat reluctant, but he gets an inkling where this might be going.

In Vegas, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."
At the casino, the voice says, "Buy $10,000 worth of chips."
Again, he's a little squeamish, but the voice persists, so he does.
"Go to the slots, third one on the right." He sits down in front of it, a high-bet machine.
The voice says, "Play the top bet." He does that & hits the jackpot: $100,000 !
At this point he wants to quit & go home, but the voice says, "Go to the roulette table."
Figuring he might win even more, as the voice was right, off he goes.

At first, the voice is quiet, then it says, "Put everything on 33 black." Everything? "Everything !"
So he does & pushes his huge pile of chips onto 33 black.
The croupier spins the wheel & rolls the ball. A moment of silence as everyone watches.
The wheel slows & the ball spirals down, bounces a few times & lands in ... 16 red, right beside 33 black.

The little voice says, "F**K !!"

There might be a moral in there.

1291 of 1950  -   Report This Post


8th October 2012, 11:23
don't bet the house?
1292 of 1950  -   Report This Post


13th October 2012, 12:48
From the great Woody Allen:-

“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

1293 of 1950  -   Report This Post


21st October 2012, 11:36
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife's from Scotland "
1294 of 1950  -   Report This Post


23rd October 2012, 17:24
For the faithful:-

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK ,
addressed a major gathering of Native Americans.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque
inscribed with his new Native American name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Native Americans how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

1295 of 1950  -   Report This Post


23rd October 2012, 23:28
Love it....

Not long back from rehearsals for a community play written by the fabulous Douglas Maxwell.

In it, I play a middle class "socialist". A couple of lines from tonight...

Me "I was on the picket lines in the 70s and the 80s. I marched against the Iraq wat in the noughties......and two years ago I started the Occupy St Andrews Movement!"

Pete "and what did you do in the nineties?

Me " voted for Tony Blair.........but that was an accident!"

So your post tonight seemed very pertinant.

Thank you x

1296 of 1950  -   Report This Post


25th October 2012, 12:24
IN a bid to encourage exercise, calorific food must now be sold in packaging that weighs at least 30kg.
According to new government rules, individual chocolate bars will be wrapped in blocks of solid steel. Simply removing a Twix from a shop shelf will require two people, and use four times as many calories as the bar contains.
Similarly, crisp packets will be encased in large concrete blocks with the flavour chiselled into the side.
Government health advisor Dr Emma Bradford said: “It is scientifically impossible to stop British people gorging on fatty foods, so we have harnessed that determination and turned it into a force for good.
“Opening the solid steel chocolate wrappers also requires the consumer to use an oxy-acetylene torch, thus encouraging them to develop the kind of practical skills British industry desperately needs.”
However, obese people are already trying to thwart the plan by attaching fork lifts to their mobility scooters. On arriving home they simply gnaw through the metal to the tasty chocolate within.
Confectionary fan Tom Logan said: “I’ve just picked up a Penguin and it’s given me a frigging hernia.
“Obesity is one thing, but what if the physical exertion kills me? If I’m going to die I want it to be as nature intended – slumped on a sofa in front of GMTV with my mouth full of Doritos.”
1297 of 1950  -   Report This Post


25th October 2012, 12:30
Decky does a Bronco?
1298 of 1950  -   Report This Post


25th October 2012, 13:15
Yes...that very man. He lead a "writing for the stage" course last year that I really enjoyed.

1299 of 1950  -   Report This Post


26th October 2012, 09:11
Einstein was right
Albert Einstein:
"I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots."
1300 of 1950  -   Report This Post