Yestre’en, having put the children out for the night, and tucked the cat snugly up in bed, I sat in mellow mood, smoking my favourite pipe and sipping a glass of neat Irn Bru (not diluted with whisky or any such). I reflected upon my good fortune, and the many assets I have gained throughout my life.
I pondered my education, provided by the tax payer, and how it had served me over the years. How often has that O Level Arithmetic, gained in 1964, been of great value to me! The time has come, methought, to put something back into Society. So it was, I resolved to establish the Ancient Society of Haverers.
Haverers are people like me, who when faced with a gap in conversation, have a compulsion to fill that gap, with whatever comes to mind. So it is that my O Level Arithmetic has enabled me to announce to an unsuspecting audience, that the formula for finding the area of a triangle is half base times altitude, or that it will take fifty minutes to fill a fifty gallon tank, if the rate of flow is one gallon per minute. In moments of desperation, I have even announced that Farenheit and Celsius scales meet at minus forty degrees.
If you are similarly encumbered, perhaps you would like to join the Society. Educational qualifications are not important, although it is anticipated that anyone having already attained the status of Village Idiot, will quickly rise to high office within the Society. Members will be entitled to use the post nominal letters, A.S.O.H. There will be no regalia or unusual handshakes, but it is recommended that members write the letters. A.S.O.H. on a piece of sticky back paper, and adhere this to the forehead, one centimetre above the left eye, so that one A.S.O.H. may easily recognise another, when they meet in the street. They may then exchange inanities until one or other must rush for a bus, or drops dead, whichever is the sooner.
Virtual Society Meetings will be held via home computer, when we will start by standing rigidly to attention and singing the Society’s anthem, Paddy McGinty’s Goat. There will then be an opportunity to discuss our successes and failings in the realm of havering. The meeting will be drawn to a close by my solo rendition of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, I Think I’ll Go And Eat Worms.
If you have been moved by this plea, and would like to join, please write a letter of application and post it to yourself. Membership is free, and is open to vegetarians and carnivores alike.
Thank you.