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celadon

19th June 2014, 07:03

An Italian tourist asks a blonde MAN: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
1531 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

23rd June 2014, 11:06
Who is the patron saint of America?
1532 of 1953  -   Report This Post

chrisg

23rd June 2014, 11:22
Mary (as our lady of the immaculate conception)
1533 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

26th June 2014, 08:24
THE term ‘socialising’ actually means drinking heavily, it has emerged.

After research found that Britons were running up debts due to ‘socialising’, further analysis showed this to be a euphemism for ‘drinking heavily with other people nearby’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Referring to one’s social life wrongly suggests social activities, when really it’s about your own private world of alcoholic oblivion.

“For British people, the purpose of going out is not to chat with friends over lunch, attend a barbeque or meet new people at a salsa class, but to ingest ethyl alcohol while not technically being alone.

“Usually no interaction is required beyond the occasional ‘Alright’ or ‘Whose round is it?’

“Obviously it’s possible to get drunk at a dinner party, but in pubs you can just eat crisps and peanuts in silence and not waste valuable drinking time pretending to be interested in the lasagne.”

Brubaker added that Britons were flexible in their definition of socialising, which also included drinking a bottle of vodka on your own while talking to Fiona Bruce on the news.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “I’ve got a pretty good social life. I’m out every night, tucked away in a darkened corner of a local hotel bar, methodically working my way through the nine pints I need to feel alright.

“At weekends my wife and I have friends over to shuffle food round our plates and have some stimulating alcohol abuse.”

1534 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

2nd July 2014, 09:18
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

---------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
1535 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

21st July 2014, 08:39
Court records No.2

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
1536 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

22nd July 2014, 07:18
Jury Duty

My town takes jury selection very seriously.

So much so that when it sends questionnaires to prospective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full, plain and simple sentences. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.

It asked, "Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain."
1537 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

23rd July 2014, 07:15

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
1538 of 1953  -   Report This Post

busby

23rd July 2014, 08:59
So how do I get the details to him?
1539 of 1953  -   Report This Post

busby

23rd July 2014, 09:01
Does he have a pretty female friend that will love me for ever?

This could be my lucky day!!
1540 of 1953  -   Report This Post