Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

VLADIMIR Putin has compared Prince Charles to Anthea Turner because he is a ‘fragrant, middle-aged woman with no power’.
The Russian president thanked the Prince for comparing him to Hitler and said that like Turner, the heir to the throne was ‘every man’s idea of the perfect English housewife’.
He added: “Like Turner he is part of a great British institution, albeit one with far less power and influence than Blue Peter.
“And like Turner he had a troubled first marriage with his personal life splattered all over the tabloids, before he found true love.
“I just hope Charles and his husband Camilla have a more enduring relationship than Anthea and Grant Bovey.
“But most of all when I think of Prince Charles, I think of someone who was born to wear an apron and keep my house clean and tidy.
“I sometimes dream of being greeted at the front door by a lovely, demure English woman like Prince Charles, when I come home from my busy job of being a real man with actual power.”
President Putin said Prince Charles could ‘take a leaf out of Anthea’s book’ and make himself more relevant by appearing in the next series of Dancing on Ice.

THE virtue of wisdom has ended its affiliation with beards.
Wisdom and beards have been hand-in-hand for centuries, with gods from Zeus to Yahweh sporting luxuriant facial hair as a sign of their sagacity.
But the growing fashion for beards means that men, and Eurovision winner Conchita, are increasingly credited with wisdom they do not possess.
Wisdom said: “For millennia the world has known that if you need answers on the big questions then you climb a mountain, find a man with facial hair that tickles his nipples and ask away.
“But find such a man today and the biggest question he’ll be able to answer is which is The National’s best album.
“Which, while useful, isn’t really up there on the list of eternal verities.”
Wisdom has yet to decide which physical quality it will choose as a partner going forward, with glasses, eyebrows that meet in the middle and neck tattoos all putting in bids.
Beard-wearer Nathan Muir said: “I find this actually very unfair, because I do have a great deal of wisdom to offer.
“For example, I could tell you the top five dogging sites in Redditch right now. I think that qualifies me to call myself a guru.”

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

From the D M.

AN Amazonian tribe who have no contact with civilization have predicted England will not make it past the first round of the World Cup.

The unknown tribe, who probably have no immunity to the common cold, placed a message in a dug-out canoe and sent it downstream.

The message, discovered by villagers in Fonte Boa in Brazil’s remote Amazonas region, states: “As the Jabiru stork follows the spirit of the river, the tribe that once held the golden orb will be led into darkness by the Roo and his magical hair.”

The message added: “Three-two to Italy and a nightmare against Costa Rica.”

The BBC dispatched Bear Grylls and John Motson to make contact with the tribe, but Motson ran screaming into the jungle after sniffing a massive orange flower.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little

extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Just to balance it up.......


A blonde MAN shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

An Italian tourist asks a blonde MAN: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Who is the patron saint of America?

Mary (as our lady of the immaculate conception)

THE term ‘socialising’ actually means drinking heavily, it has emerged.

After research found that Britons were running up debts due to ‘socialising’, further analysis showed this to be a euphemism for ‘drinking heavily with other people nearby’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Referring to one’s social life wrongly suggests social activities, when really it’s about your own private world of alcoholic oblivion.

“For British people, the purpose of going out is not to chat with friends over lunch, attend a barbeque or meet new people at a salsa class, but to ingest ethyl alcohol while not technically being alone.

“Usually no interaction is required beyond the occasional ‘Alright’ or ‘Whose round is it?’

“Obviously it’s possible to get drunk at a dinner party, but in pubs you can just eat crisps and peanuts in silence and not waste valuable drinking time pretending to be interested in the lasagne.”

Brubaker added that Britons were flexible in their definition of socialising, which also included drinking a bottle of vodka on your own while talking to Fiona Bruce on the news.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “I’ve got a pretty good social life. I’m out every night, tucked away in a darkened corner of a local hotel bar, methodically working my way through the nine pints I need to feel alright.

“At weekends my wife and I have friends over to shuffle food round our plates and have some stimulating alcohol abuse.”