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celadon

12th March 2014, 14:11
THE PUBLIC has been warned not to approach men wearing Barcelona shirts who clearly have no ethnic affiliation to the Catalan region.
The men, usually aged between 25 and 50, are rated a category 5 risk of telling you at length why they personally identify with the continental model of play.
Inspector Tom Booker said: “Any man in a football shirt suffers from the delusion that he is imbued with the qualities of their famous wearers, hence the popularity of Beckham tops with blonde-moustached salesmen even today.
“But men in Barcelona shirts, who believe that their sartorial choice associates them with the insouciant, free-passing artfulness that has conquered an era, are particularly dangerous right now.
“The Manchester City game, despite being a battle between roughly equal mixes of Europeans and South Americans managed by two non-natives, will see these men primed and ready. Do not approach them.”
The men are, perversely, most visible in locations with the greatest contrast to the stunning coastal city, like Barnsley, Mansfield, Swindon and Middlesbrough, and are thick on the ground because of large numbers of migrating former United supporters.
Nathan Muir, wearing a Xavi top, said: “Building slowly from the back, being calm and precise in the middle and finishing with dazzling flair is, coincidentally, how I make love to women.
“At least it is this season. From August I’m a Bayern Munich fan.”
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celadon

13th March 2014, 12:18
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No. 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
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imagcq

13th March 2014, 19:38
Im off to the river to prey

Loved the Barca catalan male one

Thanks Celadon (something in return)

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

There is nothing that is a more certain sign of insanity than to do the same thing over and over and expect the results to be different.

Take care now Cheers!
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celadon

18th March 2014, 15:16
Kestrel tax absolutely necessary, says Cameron

A TAX on kestrels belonging to underprivileged young boys is vital to Britain’s economic recovery, according to the prime minister.
In a speech to business leaders, David Cameron said it was time kestrel-owning youngsters made a financial contribution to Great Britain instead of “freeloading” off hard-working taxpayers.
Cameron said: “We believe there are literally hundreds of alienated youngsters finding solace in pet kestrels without paying a single penny in tax.
“The sense of entitlement is sickening. While hard-working families are struggling to get by, these youthful bird-fanciers are spending their days learning falconry in bleak, post-industrial Northern landscapes.
“We propose an annual kestrel tax of £8,500 per bird, with punitive measures for anyone attempting to cheat the system.
“The message is clear – pay up, or we will kill your kestrel and throw it in the bin.”
Cameron rejected suggestions that focusing on corporate tax avoidance would be more lucrative than cracking down on the poignant hobbies of low-income children.
15-year-old kestrel owner Tom Logan said: “I’m not really sure where I’ll get £8,500 from. To earn that I’d have to deliver loads extra on my paper round, and do it for 300 years.
“I suppose I could get a different pet, but gerbils don’t really symbolise freedom, or man’s inherently nobility whether he is a king or a knave. Plus who’s going to make a film called ‘Ger’?”
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celadon

21st March 2014, 14:10
THE ‘thrupenny bit’-influenced £1 coin has left pensioners unable to shut up about how cheap everything used to be.
The new coin looks like a 3d piece from wartime, which pensioners say would get you tickets for a George Formby film, a ‘great big’ bag of Little Imps and your tram fare home.
89-year-old Mary Fisher said: “One thrupenny bit bought you a week’s worth of tripe, a family tin of snuff and a two-picture double bill at the Palladium.
“It was always two pictures back then, and they had a man playing the piano during the interlude when they came round with the ice creams. They had one sort of lovely British ice cream, none of this foreign Solero rubbish.
“Of course the Palladium’s a Lidl these days. Oh no that’s the Empire. The Lidl was a butcher’s, or something else.
“Anyway everything’s ruined now.”
25-year-old Tom Logan said: “Since my nan set eyes on this coin she’s been unable to shut up.
“I’ve tried explaining how ‘thrupence’ wasn’t the paltry sum she remembers because grandad only earned a shilling a week for 90 hours of shovelling coal into a furnace.
“Luckily she’s already in a home, so we can avoid her simply by not going there.”
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celadon

23rd March 2014, 10:55
France was still executing people with a guillotine when the first Star Wars film came out.
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celadon

1st April 2014, 06:30
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
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bernie

1st April 2014, 14:39
:-) Guilty as charged!
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celadon

2nd April 2014, 17:19
LIKE the ancient Egyptian city of Tanis, the south east of England is, at last, being wiped clean by the wrath of God.

Saharan sand is sweeping across Britain’s greediest and most materialistic region, erasing its temples of avarice and sending a stark warning to all those who would worship at the altar of Mammon.

Dr Marcus Brody, an expert in Biblical weather, said: “Like the sandstorm that consumed Tanis, it will probably last a whole year and will destroy much of London as well as Colchester, Basildon and, of course, Peterborough, the final resting place of the Ark of the Covenant.

“By caring for nothing but money and objects, the south east – and its pharaoh, Boris Johnson – have tested the patience of the Great Jaweh, or ‘Jehovah’.

“Now He is cleansing them with an abrasive substance that will reach into every corner of their souls leaving them as hollow, crumbling shells, staring forever at their greed and folly.

“So you should probably stay indoors today.”
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celadon

9th April 2014, 09:54
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT,

BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION
ABOUT Mr. GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE
BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
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