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Alas, poutine has not yet arrived in Albion; had my first taste in the Windy City many years ago.

On another tack. From the D. M......

AFTER 40 years of mobile telephones, a Nokia with a broken screen has been declared the greatest ever.
Experts described the battered 2003 phone as ‘not taking any shit’, and ‘the only phone you’ve ever wanted to have a pint with’.
Telecoms analyst Martin Bishop said: “It’s got buttons, a speaker, the game ‘Snake’ plus you can drive a Panzer tank over the fucker and it still works.
“It is the best phone and really you want one with the screen a bit smashed up, because that gives it character.”
A panel of consumers, industry experts and technologists described all other phones as ‘a pile of crap’.
Mobile user Tom Logan said: “I got sucked into the whole iPhone bullshit thing, but really this works much better.
“Thinking about it, I was duped by clever marketing into thinking that owning a certain type of telecommunications device would make me cool. Is there anything more ridiculous?”
He added: “Also Snake is the best game ever. They use it to train astronauts to have faster reflexes.
“And you don’t have to pay more money to get a faster snake.”

From the DM:-

CHILDREN without a primary school place are being sent to live on an island without adult supervision.
Education secretary Michael Gove said text messages from the uncharted island showed arrivals were enjoying robust outdoor activities free from stifling health-and-safety regulations.
Gove said: “The children have already organised themselves into two groups, the Weak Little Piggies and the Skullface Comanche Hunters, probably in order to play traditional competitive sports.
“A coastguard pilot reported seeing cage-like structures on the beach, which are probably half-finished huts. He also saw a large game of cowboys and Indians going on, with children chasing each other across the island with homemade weapons.
“This is real Swallows and Amazons stuff. Last night they built an enormous bonfire and the screams of excitement could be heard on the mainland.”
Parent Donna Sheridan said: “I was mortified when our daughter Lucy couldn’t get into the local primary school, so thank God a place on the deserted island came up.
“We were worried she might not fit in, but when we spoke to her on the phone she said she was Chief Interrogator of the Flesh Eaters now, so it looks like we needn’t have worried!”
Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I was a bit concerned when I got a text message from my son Kevin mentioning that the former school bully had been made into shoes.
“But at least he’s getting some exercise instead of sitting in front of that blasted X-Box playing violent video games.”

Good one !

Are these really from the Daily Mail? Quirky paper, but couldn't find a humour column per se.

Or do you paraphrase a promising article?

Hi syzygy, it is not the Daily Mail but another (underground) publication with the same initials.

..............................................................................................
WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY!!!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tyres ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless

==Everything is becoming LESS = but still our hopes are ~ Endless.

I am ~ Speechless !

Bank accounts ~ Worthless ?

*Police Force ~ Boneless
*Magistrates ~ Gutless
*Criminals ~ Blameless
*Issues ~ Ceaseless
*Political correctness ~ Humourless
*Gender ~ Sexless
* An opinion ~ Pointless
* Me ~ Clueless
* Poser of the day ~ Priceless !!!

Love them Busby.

Just come across this in my local bordello........

THE new iPhone 5S uses state-of-the-art fingerprint technology to frame its owners for murder. It can also blackmail you into buying more Cloud storage
The device will leave prints and DNA at crime scenes if the owner has failed to meet Apple’s high standards for iPhone ownership.
The phone’s built-in JudgMe app collects data about its owners’ treatment of their iPhone, rates them on a moral scale developed by Apple and can condemn them to a lifetime behind bars.
Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at the launch event, said: “We’re rightly known for our focus on the user experience, but all too frequently I see users who don’t repay that trust.
“I see cracked screens, scratched aluminium backs, and iPhone owners who talk openly about their interest in the Samsung Note 3 with their iPhone right there in front of them, hearing every hurtful, traitorous word.
“Well, that ends today. The new iPhone, using your fingerprints, your DNA, and faking records of your movements and communications, can put you on the scene of a triple slaying so efficiently that even OJ’s defence team couldn’t get you off.”
Technology blogger Carolyn Ryan said: “I downloaded a non-proprietary web browser and Google Maps to my new iPhone 5S, breaking my terms of service, and within 24 hours there was video of me kidnapping and executing my brother-in-law right there in the iCloud.
“That’s the Apple magic – it just works.”
Cook, who concluded his presentation by breathing hard on a new iPhone and shattering its screen, seemed set to leave the stage when he turned to the audience and said: “There is one more thing.”
The crowd then cheered wildly as detectives arrived on stage to arrest him for the murder of Steve Jobs.

Some news from the US:

TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Opponents of Florida’s Stand Your Ground law are attempting to mobilize support for a new law called Don’t Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason.

The proposed law, which faces major opposition in the Florida legislature, would make it illegal for people in the state to shoot each other for no reason whatsoever.

“Under the provisions of Don’t Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason, you will be required to have an actual reason for shooting someone,” said a spokesman for the measure, Harland Dorrinson. “This will be a first in Florida.”

The controversial bill has already drawn the ire of the National Rifle Association, which issued a statement today saying that requiring someone to have a reason to shoot another person would violate the Second Amendment.

“If you force someone to have a reason to shoot someone, soon you will be taking away his right to shoot that person altogether,” the N.R.A. said.

“We are not in principle against the idea of having a reason to shoot someone,” the N.R.A. continued. “But we believe you should be allowed to shoot the person first and have the reason second.”

Even if Don’t Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason somehow passes in the legislature, Florida Gov. Rick Scott said today that he would veto it, telling reporters, “Making people in Florida have a reason to shoot each other would fundamentally change our way of life.”

Just imagine what would happen in the UK if our clowns introduced gun legislation: and yet again it could be a good thing.

Just an aside:- "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate?"

THE High Court has ruled that any exchange of Love Hearts sweets constitutes a legal contract.
Judges ruling in the case of Donna Sheridan vs Wayne Hayes found that he had, as she maintained, entered into obligations to call her, give her a sweet kiss and to be gorgeous.
Hayes, now 24 and married with a child, fulfilled none of those promises. He must now go on a date with Donna to the local park where, after a mandatory three swigs of Mad Dog 20/20, he is obliged to snog her.
Lawyer Susan Traherne said: “There’s always been a degree of ambiguity surrounding Love Hearts which has been exploited to make promises of For Keeps and Heart Throb to which the giver had no intention of adhering.
“This ruling, which is retrospective and covers the last 30 years, means that teenage boys will no longer be able to claim giving a girl Cuddle Me was just the luck of the packet.
“It also means that Julian Cook is obligated to take me, 23 years on, to the school disco and to do the Macarena with me on the dance floor. And he has to get off with me afterwards or I will issue proceedings.”
The ruling has caused widespread panic, with anyone over 25 struggling to remember who exactly they gave Lush Lips, Dream Boy, Catch Me or Tickle Monster.
The UK’s teenagers remain largely unaffected, preferring to use What’s App and Snapchat to send each other sexually explicit images.