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celadon

12th April 2012, 10:00
From the DM:-


Boat Race kills 27
10-04-12
THE 158th Varsity Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge ended in a shootout which killed nine participants and 18 spectators.
After a tedious start involving a protester in a wetsuit, the Cambridge cox drew a 9mm handgun and opened fire.

The gunshots provoked immediate retaliatory fire from the Oxford boat, killing three rival rowers before the Cambridge crew brought their vessel's 50mm cannon into play, holing Oxford amidships and wiping out sections of the elite crowd.

The Oxford cox, holding a concussion grenade in each hand, leapt from the bow of his boat toward Cambridge but was cut down by rifle fire in mid-air. However it became clear this was only a diversionary tactic when the Cambridge boat was reduced to matchwood by mortar fire from the bank.

The mortar then misfired, killing its crew and spectators, including a galaxy of famous Cambridge alumni, and leaving the crews to fight hand-to-hand in the muddy water of the Thames.

Four died of knife wounds and drowning before an Oxford rower, clutching the splintered remains of an oar, crossed the finishing line and his university were declared the winners.

Sir Steve Redgrave, commentating on the race for the BBC, said: "What a wonderful showcase for British sport in this Olympic year.

"The pageantry, the tradition, and the savagery of those young men is an example to us all. I rescued a severed arm from the riverbank and will be mounting it in my home."

Hugh Laurie, a Cambridge rowing 'Blue' and the elite star of Stuart Little 2, said he was honoured to be asked to formally execute the surviving members of the losing team on the famous 'quad' of Trinity College.
1221 of 1594  -   Report This Post

bees

12th April 2012, 18:20
There might not be a boat race next year. They can't find crews of the right calibre.
Shame really, Canon wants to sponsor it.
The crowd could always try "bumping" the person in front, just to see who can't swim.
1222 of 1594  -   Report This Post

celadon

13th April 2012, 19:19
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
1223 of 1594  -   Report This Post

kilowatt

13th April 2012, 20:45

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before !!!!!
I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:“FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!
Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.
Its label reads,
“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . .. . I'll be in the shower!

1224 of 1594  -   Report This Post

sallyw

13th April 2012, 23:19
A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it, he annouced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without gettin attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house. so when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimmin as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out the billionaire goes.. "holy shit, i didnt think anyone was gunna do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "nuh uh", so the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "naw" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife?" and the guys says "hell naw" so the billionaire says "well what the fuck do you want?" and the guys still tryin to catch his breath goes, " i want the mother****** who pushed me in the pool"
1225 of 1594  -   Report This Post

pastille

14th April 2012, 00:35
Poor joke...

but want to contribute...

What do you call a Scotsman who is nearly home?

?

?

?

Hamish...

so bad I think it's good...
1226 of 1594  -   Report This Post

sallyw

14th April 2012, 00:42
Excellent pastille - how goes it?
1227 of 1594  -   Report This Post

celadon

15th April 2012, 06:59
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says:"Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
1228 of 1594  -   Report This Post

kilowatt

15th April 2012, 07:59
There are four engineers traveling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer ...who works on Microsoft Windows.


The car breaks down and they all have suggestions on what to do.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized," says the mechanical engineer. "We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again."

"I disagree," says the chemical engineer. "It sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the software engineer, who has said nothing so far.

"Well?" they all say to the geek. "What do you think?"

"Well," the Microsoftie suggests, "perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again...?"
1229 of 1594  -   Report This Post

kilowatt

15th April 2012, 08:04
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.


The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is a lawyer and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
1230 of 1594  -   Report This Post