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21st August 2014, 10:25
Paddy and Mick are walking along the road when they see a sign "Tree fellers wanted". "Pity Seamus isn't with us" says Paddy.
1569 of 1950  -   Report This Post


23rd August 2014, 07:27
A 40 year old man stood at the Pearly Gates and asked for admittance.
St Peter told him that he could only enter Heaven if he had done a kind or brave deed during his lifetime.
The man thought for a while, then he said, "I helped a little old lady across the road when I was a Boy Scout".
"That was kind" said St Peter, but it's too long ago.
The man thought again......
" I climbed up a tree to rescue a neighbour's cat, when I was twenty" he offered.
"Better" said St. Peter, " but I really need something that happened much more recently"
The man thought long and hard.......
" I stood at the Rangers end of the football pitch and shouted 'Celtic for the Cup!' he said.
"Now that WAS brave" said St Peter. "How long ago was that?
" Five minutes ago........."
1570 of 1950  -   Report This Post


23rd August 2014, 08:12
Teacher: Paul, give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul, you must say, "I am", not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

1571 of 1950  -   Report This Post


23rd August 2014, 20:08
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, 'Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.'

God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.'

'But Lord,' responded Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?'

'No, not really.' God replied..........'Wait till you see the neighbours I am going to give them.'
1572 of 1950  -   Report This Post


26th August 2014, 06:59
A gem syzygy.

Actual recorded call:

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
1573 of 1950  -   Report This Post


27th August 2014, 07:16
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher 50p. Yep. 50p.
The usher looks at the 50 pence piece in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
1574 of 1950  -   Report This Post


27th August 2014, 14:06
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank : 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help....'
Family Member:’ Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
(Would you believe I had a very similar conversation with British Gas after my father died; BG wanted his forwarding address.......I gave it as c/o God, Heaven, The Universe........)

1575 of 1950  -   Report This Post


27th August 2014, 15:50
Now he'll be inundated with junk mail!
1576 of 1950  -   Report This Post


28th August 2014, 07:49
@elle That's total bull.

That nonsense has been circulating since at least 2003.

As for your "personal experience"; it might carry more weight if it wasn't attached to what is essentially spam.
1577 of 1950  -   Report This Post


28th August 2014, 08:50
elle , syzygy is correct, I have seen at least 6 different versions of this letter.
However, back to recorded phone calls:-

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
1578 of 1950  -   Report This Post