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At least I wont be alone :-)

A golden oldie:
http://www.arts-stew.com/humor-2/monday-shorts-8/attachment/man-woman-control-panel/

At least, that's the apocryphal view. Perhaps a reciprocal approach would do wonders. Think about it.

Google it. How the heck did we manage before ?

British version of syzygy's joke.

Prince Charles decides to take some of the corgis out for a walk in Green Park. He lets them off the lead for a run about. One of the corgis shoots straight out of the park, onto the Mall and right in front of a car which promptly flattens it. HRH manages to scrape the corgi off the wheel of the car but is distraught "what is Mummy going to say? No chance of her abdicating now. Oh dear. Help me, someone!"

Suddenly...zap, pow, a genie appears and explains to ol' jug ears that he will grant him one wish. The Prince begs the genie to restore the corgi to life. The genie looks at the squashed carcass but regrettably shakes his head and says he cannot do miracles. He suggests Charles make another wish. The Prince asks "Can you make my wife Camilla look beautiful?" "Show me what she looks like",, demands the Genie. Charles shows the genie a picture of Camilla. After a moment the Genie says, "tell you what, let's have another look at that carcass".

Just to keep the balance (or are there no female readers)?


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Thank the lord!!!!
Always wondered how I've lasted this long!

From the DM;

People with National Trust car stickers are mostly drug dealers.

OVER 90 per cent of National Trust car sticker owners are career criminals, it has emerged.

Drug dealers confirmed that having the preservation society’s logo in your rear windscreen is the best way to convince police you are a harmless, sexless, nature lover.

Successful cocaine dealer Tom Logan said: “It’s like an invisibility cloak.

“I’ve got a white 7 Series BMW and frequently drive around Manchester at 4am, but I never get pulled because of the good old conker leaf.

“Or oak leaf, acorn leaf, I don’t know what it is to be honest.”

Heroin merchant Stephen Malley said: “That little sticker is the best £2.49 I’ve ever spent.

“I had one of the ‘God-botherer fish’ stickers before but it was just too obvious.

“In fairness I think the National Trust do excellent work and I would take out membership if I didn’t have to spend most weekends in warehouse basements repeatedly punching people tied to chairs.”

From the DM,

Fracking Facts.

IT’S here and it’s fine, except that it might render entire counties uninhabitable.

British fracking rigs will be less cool than American ones

British fracking rigs will be 40 per cent less cool than American ones

Here’s everything you need to know about fracking in the UK:

Fracking will allow the country to enjoy free-roaming wind again rather than it being shackled by turbines.

Use of the word ‘frack’ to replace a commonplace sexual swearword, eg ‘Go frack yourself,’ is a trademark infringement punishable by community service.

In areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty, burning gas flare-offs should be carefully positioned to illuminate the area in a romantic manner.

All underground fracking workers will wear three-piece suits and ties to avoid association with those scruffy coal-miners.

If tap water begins to spontaneously burn, remember you’d pay eight euros for that on holiday if it was aniseed flavoured.

Any employee gaining superpowers during a freak fracking accident must use those powers solely and without exception for the purposes of his employer.

Anti-fracking campaigners will be seared away in the Great Immolation along with everyone else.

Residents of fracking areas are warned that interbreeding with the subterranean Vril-ya people is illegal, and any children born to the union will be indentured to the company and worked until death.

Fracking operations are prohibited within marginal constituencies.

All of the above is so that you can recharge your iPad, then play bird games on it.

Court records No.4.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Court records no. 5

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

From the DM:
English viewers miss Salmond trying to bite Alistair Darling.
06-08-14
ENGLISH viewers were unable to watch last night’s Scottish independence debate, including the moment Alex Salmond tried to bite Alistair Darling on the face.
Mr Salmond has powerful jaws but no upper-body strength.
The debate was broadcast in Scotland only, but a ‘live internet stream’ was offered to the tens of millions of English people who are fascinated by Scottish politics.
Just minutes into the debate the ‘live stream’ failed, leaving English fans unable to enjoy a wide range of topics including currency, oil revenues and extra-terrestrial invasion.
But the key moment came when first minister Alex Salmond stopped mid-sentence, ran across the stage and tried to bite Mr Darling’s cheek.
The former chancellor managed to grab the SNP leader by the head and force him backwards and the two men tussled for a few seconds until the debate’s moderator fired a gun over his head.
Mr Salmond’s spokesman insisted: “We won. Alistair Darling had an incredibly negative approach to what was an optimistic and aspirational attempt to bite him on the face.”
But Julian Cook, professor of politics at Roehampton University, added: “I suspect a large number of SNP supporters will be slightly concerned at Alex Salmond’s inability to defeat Alistair Darling – a man who once lost a debate to a washing machine.”
Meanwhile, English viewers also missed the two men closing the debate in the traditional Scottish fashion by sacrificing an albino horse.