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bees

15th January 2014, 17:33
I want to get my Allegro car sprayed gold. Do you this this would be too Austin-tatious?
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bobs mum

15th January 2014, 18:43
Two snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and says................


" can you smell carrots round here?"
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bernie

15th January 2014, 22:06
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
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imagcq

15th January 2014, 22:22
Hello Bernie long time ,Hope all is well (the cured ham) looked at that this morning and had thoughts not to be repeated (overacting is genius mate)And as for the Parrots on a perch-must be 25 year since i heard that old chestnut. Cheers mate go well

Ps The clue the whole clue and nothing but the clue HaHa
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busby

16th January 2014, 01:19
Whilst we are on the subject of odours.

How can you tell if a clown breaks wind?

Something smells funny.
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celadon

16th January 2014, 08:50
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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celadon

17th January 2014, 12:42
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
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celadon

19th January 2014, 09:28
Please use the following if contacted by a telemarketer.


1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”
2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole.
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.
4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.
5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.
6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”
7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.
8. Flirt.
9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”
10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.
11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking.
12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”
13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.
14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.
15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”
16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”
17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.
18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”
20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.
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celadon

20th January 2014, 13:21
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00
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celadon

22nd January 2014, 07:43
There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..


There were four men .....

One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill and
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?
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