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jamoza

2nd March 2012, 15:52
Sitting here in a trendy wine bar with a glass of chilled chardonnay, reading 'A la recherche du temps perdu' (it's by Proust, you know) on my cerise kindle, while on my iphone and Samsung Galaxy simultaneously to my stockbroker and the local Porsche dealer, but still can't think of a witticism to match those posted on here.

Can I still apply to be poseur of the day?
1201 of 1610  -   Report This Post

phillip

2nd March 2012, 23:00
two of my favourite newspaper headlines. both from the Sun and both about football.

1. when germany beat england when their substitute scored the winning goal......

England sunk by kraut sub!


2. when caledonian thistle beat celtic.....

Super cally go ballistic celtic are atrocious.
1202 of 1610  -   Report This Post

pastille

3rd March 2012, 23:50
Been away for a bit, logged on tonight and was "over-overwhelmed" by people asking about crosswords???

What is that all about???

Please enjoy a little diversion...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHSi_sPfICM

p@x

1203 of 1610  -   Report This Post

wendy

4th March 2012, 09:36
Are you sure you'd logged on to the correct site Pastille? (Tee hee!)

Great video clip - loved it, thanks.
1204 of 1610  -   Report This Post

phillip

9th March 2012, 19:01
If there is an exception to every rule, what is the exception to that rule?
1205 of 1610  -   Report This Post

celadon

10th March 2012, 10:16
Very nice to see such interest; OK then.....


Police Officers!


Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must make a risk assessment and consider the man's Human Rights:
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and hurts himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!


AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

1206 of 1610  -   Report This Post

celadon

11th March 2012, 21:24
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
1207 of 1610  -   Report This Post

pastille

11th March 2012, 23:13
WooWoo!!! Celadon...your back!!!

Good news indeed...

I have not been around for a couple of days, so it was a loverly surprise to "see" you.

Thinking of a good "post".

p@ x

1208 of 1610  -   Report This Post

rosalind

11th March 2012, 23:32
My favourite newspaper headline

METHODIST OPTICIAN's STOLEN KISS

which was on the poster outside a shop in Cornwall. I had to buy the paper- turned out the poor man had been overcome and pecked the patient on the cheek.Unfortunately it cost him his business.
1209 of 1610  -   Report This Post

celadon

15th March 2012, 13:32
COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL
THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!

Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ......10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 £9.52 per gallon.
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 .. £10.00 per gallon.
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 .. £33.60 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 . £123.20 per gallon.
(White out)7 oz £1.39 ..... £5.42 per gallon.

And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at
(you won’t believe it ..... but it is true)

£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)
So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!
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