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From the D.M.

ADVANCES in food technology mean that pre-packed sandwiches can now retain their disappointingness for up to 14 days.
Until recently, ready-made sandwiches would degenerate from barely edible to inedible within a week.

Food scientist, Julian Cook, said: "This is a major breakthrough in food mediocrity.

"Whether cheap or expensive, sandwiches from refrigerators all taste like textured air. We fully accept that they'll never be good in any way. But we can make them last longer.

"The process works in an almost supernatural way. Basically, we've identified an invisible aura which is the 'life force' or 'soul' of the sandwich and managed to suck it out.

"The result is a completely spiritually dead foodstuff, a 'ghost sandwich' if you like, that keeps for ages because it's already a void.

"Look at these things, two flaccid white triangles with a thin layer of egg-influenced paste and the barest hint of a hand print. Exactly what people who are too lazy to put their own stuff between bread deserve."

Long distance driver, Stephen Malley, said: "What gets me about pre-packed sandwiches is that however disappointing you expect them to be, they still manage to disappoint.

"There's something almost beautiful about that."

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Beverley races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15

Two businessmen in Birmingham were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.... the shop wasn't ready, with a few shelves set up.

One said, "I bet any minute some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling, sure enough, an old woman walked to the window, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."


Pensioners - don't mess with them!!!!!!

I trawled through the pages, then I trawled through the thread, then I thought of something to say. But I hadn't logged in. I logged in which took me back to the start. By the time I got back here I'd forgotten what I was going to say. It can't have been very good. But we can find the thread faster now!

Bees, you don't have to trawl through the thread. On the address bar at the top of your screen you will find the relevant thread address, in this case http://www.crosswordsolver.org/forum/15502/poser-of-the-day. Delete poser of the day and type in offset/ followed by the number of posts less one eg http://www.crosswordsolver.org/forum/15502/offset/1151 to find the end of the thread or any other number if you want to get to an earlier page. Click on the arrow at the side of the address bar and voila!

Peter invited his mother for dinner and during the course of the meal she couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?’ 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE BLOODY FRYING PAN BY NOW..

LOVE MUM

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Why it is called a Bus Replacement Service......Surely it's a TRAIN replacement service.

Hackers Hacked.

The Sun newspaper, owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News International, was hacked on Monday night by cyberprotesters LulzSec.

Visitors to the national newspaper’s website were automatically redirected to a different site (http://www.new-times.co.uk/sun/) that looked like The Sun, but detailed the fake death of Rupert Murdoch.

The story read:

“Rupert Murdoch, the controversial media mogul, has reportedly been found dead in his garden, police announce.

“Murdoch, aged 80, has said to have ingested a large quantity of palladium before stumbling into his famous topiary garden late last night, passing out in the early hours of the morning.

"We found the chemicals sitting beside a kitchen table, recently cooked," one officer states. "From what we can gather, Murdoch melted and consumed large quantities of it before exiting into his garden."

"Authorities would not comment on whether this was a planned suicide, though the general consensus among locals and unnamed sources is that this is the case.

"One detective elaborates. 'Officers on the scene report a broken glass, a box of vintage wine, and what seems to be a family album strewn across the floor, containing images from days gone by; some containing handpainted portraits of Murdoch in his early days, donning a top hat and monocle.'

"Another officer reveals that Murdoch was found slumped over a particularly large garden hedge fashioned into a galloping horse. 'His favourite', a butler, Davidson, reports.

"Butler Davidson has since been taken into custody for additional questioning."

For all you Naval vets out there:-

There have been rumors about the U.S. Navy's speedy new triple hulled ships, but now they're for real.

The U.S.S Independence was built by General Dynamics. It's called a "littoral combat ship" (LCS), and the tri-maran can move
its weapons around faster than any other ship in the Navy.
(Ironic that with all that high tech, the ship reminds me of the Merrimac ironclad from Civil War days).

'Littoral' means close-to-shore, and that's where these very ships will operate. They're tailor-made for launching helicopters and lightly-armored vehicles, sweeping mines and firing all manner of torpedoes, missiles and machine guns.
These ships are also relatively inexpensive. A bargain at $208 million, and the Navy plans to build 55 of them.
This tri-maran is the first of a new fire breathing breed, ready to scoot out of dry dock at a rumored 60 knots top speed.. It's like a speedy and heavily armed aircraft carrier for helicopters.
Pirates Beware!!!

There are several pictures on the net you just have to search for them.