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Celadon, I must congratulate you on your wonderful stories on this page. I will now proceed to steal them, thanks.

Newspaper headlines – Is proof reading a thing of the past? …........

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realised that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. 
Really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Now that's taking things a bit far! 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
What a guy! 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

War Dims Hope for Peace.
I can see where it might have that effect! 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Who would have thought it! 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
They may be on to something! 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.
He probably IS the battery charge! 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft. 
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Boy, are they tall! 

And the winner is.... 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Did I read that right?

From the DM,

SCOTLAND is to relax restrictions on the hunting of anyone who voted ‘No’.

The ruling SNP claims it was forced to act because Scotland is becoming overrun with vermin eating away at the country’s future.

Richard Lochhead, the Secretary for the Environment, said: “They may be considered sweet little things in England but up here we can’t afford to be sentimental.

“They say you’re never more than six feet away from a No voter, and their effluent is poisoning the waters of our political discourse.

“We’ve worked through the numbers and there’s an overpopulation of exactly 383,937 – coincidentally the losing margin in last week’s referendum – but we’re issuing licences to get rid of a round half-million, just to be sure.”

Hunter Bill McKay said: “Most of these pathetic creatures are very old and clearly incapable of making choices which would improve their lives, so it’s a kindness anyway.”

Pleas to find safe havens in England for the No voters have so far gone unanswered.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “They’re lovely little creatures, but I wouldn’t want one in the back garden drinking Buckfast and shouting ‘Hootsmon’ in the middle of the night.”

ALEX Salmond has been asked if he would like to run Syria for a bit.

The Scottish First Minister, who still has ‘lead a nation’ on his To Do list, has been offered the post because of a shortage of non-genocidal candidates.

UN secretary-general Ban Ki-Moon said: “We were wondering who could draw a disparate nation at war with itself together under a threadbare banner of nationalism.

“Salmond’s got a track record of not-complete failure and if he can fool one nation with a string of vague utopian promises, he can do it with two.

“They even wear skirts. It’s ideal.”

Salmond is seriously considering the idea, but is annoyed that he was the UN’s second choice after they were turned down by Sven-Goran Eriksson.

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

UKIP is to use its election war chest to produce a Star Trek film about the failure of galactic multi-culturalism.

Star Trek: Repatriation will tell the story of Captain John Beef and the crew of the USS Barnes Wallis as they destroy the United Federation of Planets for its own good.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “We have millions of pounds in the bank, so that means it’s time to make a movie.

“I’m a huge fan of the Star Trek franchise but it’s never really tackled the issue of Federation bureaucrats and visas for Klingons.”

The film begins with Captain Beef feeling uncomfortable on a hover-bus because everyone is speaking Ferengi.

Farage added: “When he gets home he realises some Borg have moved in next door.

“Cue massive explosions.”

I don't know about synonyms. For years I've been wondering if E.T. has a homophone.

We talk of drinkies........why not eaties?

I decided to stop calling the toilet the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning!

So does that "fit" in with feeling "flushed"?