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celadon

29th October 2014, 16:00
Do witches use spell checkers?
1615 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

30th October 2014, 07:08
A NEW device that cancels out all mention of Benedict Cumberbatch is selling out everywhere.

The CumberGone’s headphones use white noise to block all mention of the actor’s name, while the accompanying glasses recognise Cumberbatch’s outline and replace his image with that of a wardrobe.

Regular software updates alert the device to any new projects the actor is involved in, so the wearer is in no danger of ever experiencing Benedict Cumberbatch.

User Roy Hobbs of Harrogate said: “I keep smacking into things because of my reduced visibility, but it’s worth it.

“At social gatherings it’s not if Benedict Cumberbatch will be mentioned, it’s when. Just last night a co-worker said to me ‘Have you heard that has been cast as?’ and I smiled back, blissfully oblivious.

“They are a bit over-responsive – apparently my mother-in-law has only been trying to tell me about her cucumber patch – but better to be safe than sorry.”
1616 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

31st October 2014, 06:26
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
1617 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

5th November 2014, 17:12
KITCHENS in expensive restaurants are staffed by dangerous men, it has emerged.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that as well as looking intimidating all gourmet chefs have been to prison, many for serious stuff.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s an interesting juxtaposition as on the one hand they are making very dainty, delicately fashioned meals while also having a lifelong ban from various counties.
“But then they are also in an environment were they are surrounded by knives, fire and dead animals, so it kind of makes sense.”
Martin Bishop who runs the Oui restaurant in North London said: “We shield the customers from our kitchen staff for rather obvious reasons.
“One of our chefs has ‘Leicester City F.C 4 Life’ tattooed across his neck along with a tattoo of a small dagger under his right eye. He makes a mean creme brulee though.
“It doesn’t really matter that our kitchen staff look like a gang of football hooligans mixed with the crew of a viking longboat provided they keep pumping out the high quality a la carte.
“And as long as they always were a hair net, of course.’”
1618 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

11th November 2014, 15:07
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?
1619 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

18th November 2014, 08:12
FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.
The impersonal force that predetermines events has admitted that the incident in which an aircraft’s rear hatch flew off in mid-air was slated to be the U2 singer’s end, but that it was napping at the time.
Fate said: “Believe me, I know how frustrated everyone feels.
“You have no idea how hard I’ve been trying these last 35 years, but the man seems unkillable.
“He’s too short for snipers, he’s too pious for a drug overdose, and he should have been crushed under the weight of his own ego years ago but somehow it only makes him stronger.
“Unpalatable as it seems, I’m afraid that someone up there appears to be looking after him.”
Following denials from the Almighty, Lucifer admitted having a hand in Bono’s miraculous survival, saying: “I know, I know, but I can’t bear taking him just yet.
“You thought he’d be going to the other place? But how could it be Hell without Bono?”
1620 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

20th November 2014, 14:42
A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

The image of the socialite was designed to ‘break the internet’ but has instead forced everyone to admit that humanity is a wasteland and that all is lost.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: “The attention and resources devoted to this ghastly, dead-eyed, talentless demon makes me feel like the Ancient Mariner, adrift on a slimy sea.

“Because of Kardashian I now see all humans as potential Kardashians. All of them searching for that special way in which they can get something for nothing.

“Yesterday I was warm, loving and intellectually curious. Today I hate everything that has ever existed.

“And don’t forget – anyone who tells you it’s culturally significant is just making it worse.”
1621 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

22nd November 2014, 10:42
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." ~ Ronald Reagan
1622 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

23rd November 2014, 08:59
Morbid advice no.1.

If you murder somebody, bury them under a dead dog. Body-sniffing hounds will dig up the dead dog and the police will think it's false positive.
1623 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

24th November 2014, 11:08
ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
1624 of 1953  -   Report This Post