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celadon

21st August 2014, 09:09
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over .....women like that are hard to find."
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rossim

21st August 2014, 09:40
A Biology teacher friend of mine always had lots of animals in his lab.
A frequently asked question from the students was 'Is it a boy or a girl, Sir?'
His reply, 'Look carefully, has it got its mouth open?'
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elle

21st August 2014, 10:23
One day Mick was walking along the road when he sees his old friend Paddy with a paintbrush in his hand, drawing a single yellow line along the side of the road.
"What are ye doing that for, Paddy?" asks Mick.
" This is because there is no parking along here at all ", says Paddy.
The next day Mick is walking further along that road, when he again sees Paddy, this time with TWO paintbrushes, one in either hand, carefully drawing TWO yellow lines.
" So what are ye doing, now, Paddy?" he asks his old friend.
"Well, ye see , Mick" replies Paddy, "this is because along here there is no parking at all at all."
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elle

21st August 2014, 10:23
One day Mick was walking along the road when he sees his old friend Paddy with a paintbrush in his hand, drawing a single yellow line along the side of the road.
"What are ye doing that for, Paddy?" asks Mick.
" This is because there is no parking along here at all ", says Paddy.
The next day Mick is walking further along that road, when he again sees Paddy, this time with TWO paintbrushes, one in either hand, carefully drawing TWO yellow lines.
" So what are ye doing, now, Paddy?" he asks his old friend.
"Well, ye see , Mick" replies Paddy, "this is because along here there is no parking at all at all."
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elle

21st August 2014, 10:24
Sorry for the duplication - cat intervened.....
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chrise

21st August 2014, 10:25
Paddy and Mick are walking along the road when they see a sign "Tree fellers wanted". "Pity Seamus isn't with us" says Paddy.
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elle

23rd August 2014, 07:27
A 40 year old man stood at the Pearly Gates and asked for admittance.
St Peter told him that he could only enter Heaven if he had done a kind or brave deed during his lifetime.
The man thought for a while, then he said, "I helped a little old lady across the road when I was a Boy Scout".
"That was kind" said St Peter, but it's too long ago.
The man thought again......
" I climbed up a tree to rescue a neighbour's cat, when I was twenty" he offered.
"Better" said St. Peter, " but I really need something that happened much more recently"
The man thought long and hard.......
" I stood at the Rangers end of the football pitch and shouted 'Celtic for the Cup!' he said.
"Now that WAS brave" said St Peter. "How long ago was that?
" Five minutes ago........."
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syzygy

23rd August 2014, 08:12
Teacher: Paul, give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul, you must say, "I am", not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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syzygy

23rd August 2014, 20:08
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, 'Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.'

God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.'

'But Lord,' responded Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?'

'No, not really.' God replied..........'Wait till you see the neighbours I am going to give them.'
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celadon

26th August 2014, 06:59
A gem syzygy.

Actual recorded call:

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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