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Mary (as our lady of the immaculate conception)

THE term ‘socialising’ actually means drinking heavily, it has emerged.

After research found that Britons were running up debts due to ‘socialising’, further analysis showed this to be a euphemism for ‘drinking heavily with other people nearby’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Referring to one’s social life wrongly suggests social activities, when really it’s about your own private world of alcoholic oblivion.

“For British people, the purpose of going out is not to chat with friends over lunch, attend a barbeque or meet new people at a salsa class, but to ingest ethyl alcohol while not technically being alone.

“Usually no interaction is required beyond the occasional ‘Alright’ or ‘Whose round is it?’

“Obviously it’s possible to get drunk at a dinner party, but in pubs you can just eat crisps and peanuts in silence and not waste valuable drinking time pretending to be interested in the lasagne.”

Brubaker added that Britons were flexible in their definition of socialising, which also included drinking a bottle of vodka on your own while talking to Fiona Bruce on the news.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “I’ve got a pretty good social life. I’m out every night, tucked away in a darkened corner of a local hotel bar, methodically working my way through the nine pints I need to feel alright.

“At weekends my wife and I have friends over to shuffle food round our plates and have some stimulating alcohol abuse.”

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Court records No.2

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Jury Duty

My town takes jury selection very seriously.

So much so that when it sends questionnaires to prospective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full, plain and simple sentences. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.

It asked, "Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain."

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

So how do I get the details to him?

Does he have a pretty female friend that will love me for ever?

This could be my lucky day!!

Be careful what you wish for, Busby.

A man was riding his Harley near Los Angeles when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over, thought about it, and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said: 'Your request is materialistic !
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required reaching to the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought really hard about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

There was a long silence ...
Then the Lord replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'?

Love it Syzygy.

Court records No. 3.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.