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celadon

22nd February 2014, 13:53
BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.
The leaders of the three main political parties warned that an independent Scotland would have no automatic right to use Britain’s sovereign gases.
Prime minister, David Cameron, said: “If the Scottish Nationalists think there is going to be a free flow of gases back and forth across the border then it’s obvious they know very little about the nature of gas.
“Gases like to stay put. In much the same way as water.”
Nick Clegg, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’, said: “I would prefer to breathe Franco-German oxygen. I also think that Scottish people should breathe Franco-German oxygen, I just don’t think they should be allowed to breathe British oxygen if they’re not British anymore.
“So, anyway, that’s what I think.”
Meanwhile, Labour’s Ed Miliband warned: “We’ll know if you’ve breathed our oxygen because, when we get it back, it won’t be oxygen anymore. It’ll be carbon dioxide.
“I used to be the energy minister, so I’m basically a scientist.”
Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Oh well, that’s that. You can’t just ‘make’ oxygen. Or maybe you can.
“I’ve really no idea.”
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celadon

23rd February 2014, 08:51
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
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rossim

23rd February 2014, 09:35
If you hit your head on the way down?!
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bernie

23rd February 2014, 10:25

bernie

23rd February 2014, 10:26
You may see one, the sun.
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celadon

26th February 2014, 11:59
Well there you go, even the Greeks have been proven wrong.
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celadon

26th February 2014, 12:01
CHILDREN can construct their own boarded-up UK towns using a new range of themed Lego.
Lego had increased the number of pissed off-looking characters as part of its move towards gritty social realism.
A spokesman said: “Young minds can immerse themselves in the bleak world of post-recession Britain, building scale models of Cash Converters and chain pubs where hollow-eyed old Lego men sit drinking.
“Maybe they can come up with a way to make this whole mess work.”
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celadon

1st March 2014, 11:19
SCOTLAND’S bid to join Eurovision would be opposed by countries where people can hear, it has been claimed.

Manuel Barroso, the president of Eurovision, said: “The other members will not stand by while Scotland unleashes some kind of auto-tuned bagpipe shitfest.

“It would, no doubt, be performed by an ageing, kilted, softcore punk. I’m seeing horrible visions of a ‘Scottish Tenpole Tudor’.

“Either that or they’ll offer up Hue and Cry and expect us all to just sit there and take it.”

But Scotland’s first minister, Alex Salmond, dismissed Mr Barroso, insisting he already has a detailed Eurovision plan, entitled The Coercion of Primal Scream.
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celadon

2nd March 2014, 20:44
After 20 minutes of swinging yourself around, maybe you need to accept that it’s just not going to happen.
Referring to, of course, a man who had entered the Bengali white tiger enclosure in southwest China’s Chengdu Zoo, in hopes that the tigers would eat him.
On Feb. 16, 27-year-old Yang Jinhai climbed a tree to breach the enclosure.
He began to make “exaggerated movements” for 20 minutes to try to get the tigers to make a meal out of him. A meal? This guy would be a snack!
No such luck, anyway.
The tigers would not eat him.
They merely left him with scratches and minor cuts after dragging him by the back of his neck.
“I asked them to bite me and let them eat my meat, and so I did not fight back,” said Jinghai, according to Chengdu’s Business Daily.
But the tigers did not want to eat his meat. Their diet clearly does not include small Asian men.
Zoo staff tranquillised the tigers so that they could get Jinghai out. He is now being treated for depression, in a tiger-free environment.
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celadon

12th March 2014, 14:11
THE PUBLIC has been warned not to approach men wearing Barcelona shirts who clearly have no ethnic affiliation to the Catalan region.
The men, usually aged between 25 and 50, are rated a category 5 risk of telling you at length why they personally identify with the continental model of play.
Inspector Tom Booker said: “Any man in a football shirt suffers from the delusion that he is imbued with the qualities of their famous wearers, hence the popularity of Beckham tops with blonde-moustached salesmen even today.
“But men in Barcelona shirts, who believe that their sartorial choice associates them with the insouciant, free-passing artfulness that has conquered an era, are particularly dangerous right now.
“The Manchester City game, despite being a battle between roughly equal mixes of Europeans and South Americans managed by two non-natives, will see these men primed and ready. Do not approach them.”
The men are, perversely, most visible in locations with the greatest contrast to the stunning coastal city, like Barnsley, Mansfield, Swindon and Middlesbrough, and are thick on the ground because of large numbers of migrating former United supporters.
Nathan Muir, wearing a Xavi top, said: “Building slowly from the back, being calm and precise in the middle and finishing with dazzling flair is, coincidentally, how I make love to women.
“At least it is this season. From August I’m a Bayern Munich fan.”
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