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I phoned an automated ticket agency to order some tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute act. They said "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready........."!

And 4 to go go go?

Could you order colourful shoes?

BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.
The leaders of the three main political parties warned that an independent Scotland would have no automatic right to use Britain’s sovereign gases.
Prime minister, David Cameron, said: “If the Scottish Nationalists think there is going to be a free flow of gases back and forth across the border then it’s obvious they know very little about the nature of gas.
“Gases like to stay put. In much the same way as water.”
Nick Clegg, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’, said: “I would prefer to breathe Franco-German oxygen. I also think that Scottish people should breathe Franco-German oxygen, I just don’t think they should be allowed to breathe British oxygen if they’re not British anymore.
“So, anyway, that’s what I think.”
Meanwhile, Labour’s Ed Miliband warned: “We’ll know if you’ve breathed our oxygen because, when we get it back, it won’t be oxygen anymore. It’ll be carbon dioxide.
“I used to be the energy minister, so I’m basically a scientist.”
Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Oh well, that’s that. You can’t just ‘make’ oxygen. Or maybe you can.
“I’ve really no idea.”

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

If you hit your head on the way down?!

No you can't.
http://www.astronomycafe.net/qadir/q241.html

You may see one, the sun.

Well there you go, even the Greeks have been proven wrong.

CHILDREN can construct their own boarded-up UK towns using a new range of themed Lego.
Lego had increased the number of pissed off-looking characters as part of its move towards gritty social realism.
A spokesman said: “Young minds can immerse themselves in the bleak world of post-recession Britain, building scale models of Cash Converters and chain pubs where hollow-eyed old Lego men sit drinking.
“Maybe they can come up with a way to make this whole mess work.”

SCOTLAND’S bid to join Eurovision would be opposed by countries where people can hear, it has been claimed.

Manuel Barroso, the president of Eurovision, said: “The other members will not stand by while Scotland unleashes some kind of auto-tuned bagpipe shitfest.

“It would, no doubt, be performed by an ageing, kilted, softcore punk. I’m seeing horrible visions of a ‘Scottish Tenpole Tudor’.

“Either that or they’ll offer up Hue and Cry and expect us all to just sit there and take it.”

But Scotland’s first minister, Alex Salmond, dismissed Mr Barroso, insisting he already has a detailed Eurovision plan, entitled The Coercion of Primal Scream.