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I hope the ticket was like the joke........first class!

THE Work and Pensions Secretary is to spend the next 4,570 nights stacking shelves at Poundland.
Following a High Court decision that making benefit claimants work for free is unlawful, Duncan Smith is being held personally liable to fulfil contracts made to supply labour.
His first shift began at Poundland in Newcastle-under-Lyme at 10pm yesterday evening, when Duncan Smith was handed a branded tabard and told to “guard it with his life”.
He was then given his first official caution of the night for leaving the Povvos Suck tattoo on his upper arm exposed.
Poundland employee Emma Bradford said: “He was caught curled up trying to sleep on a pallet of cat litter in the back, which is when the manager gave him his second caution.
“Then Iain got put on pricing, and if anything he was even more useless. He wouldn’t stop asking how much everything was.”
A tired-looking Duncan Smith told reporters: “It’s challenging but good breeding is on my side, giving me the height to reach even the top shelf on the notoriously demanding cereals aisle.
“And I categorically deny any suggestion that I was given my third caution at 6am been getting caught smoking a hash pipe with a security guard out by the bins.”

THE late Ronnie Biggs has been hailed for his contribution to theft.

Channel 5 documentary-type gangster Tom ‘Pliers’ Logan said: “It’s a sad thing, but lots of people these days are happy to do jobs like teaching and nursing to get money, rather than good old robbing.

“I hope Ronnie gets fawning obituaries in national newspapers, because he definitely deserves that. Doing a big robbery is way better than doing a science discovery or something.”

15-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’m too young to remember the Great Train Robbery, but reading about it encouraged me to ‘twock’ a Fiat Uno. Yeah, sticking it to the system.

“It’s funny cos Mandela died last week. I think they were similar because Mandela was about liberating a nation and Biggs was about liberating other people’s money.”

Career criminal Roy Hobbs said: “Ronnie was a great character and that’s what counts. That’s why when I burgle someone’s house I make sure to do it in a ‘cheeky’ way.”

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Liverpool '

And they say blondes are dumb...

A local organisation called an extra meeting to discuss the fact that they seemed to be having too many meetings!

Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhaoibh.


On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Can you cry under water?

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.