CancelReport This Post

Please fill out the form below with your name, e-mail address and the reason(s) you wish to report this post.

 

Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

coline

22nd February 2011, 19:27
My neighbour asked me yesterday if he could borrow my lawn mower. I said "Sure, so long as you don't take it out of my garden"
1040 of 1953  -   Report This Post

styxlawyer

23rd February 2011, 21:10
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?!" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly," the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these implants .... no way I'm shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth, either."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise." So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
1041 of 1953  -   Report This Post

coline

2nd March 2011, 16:04
So you're an ailing senior citizen and the government says they cannot afford to provide a Nursing Home for you.
You cannot afford the fees and are worried your pension will run short.
what do you do?
Get yourself a gun and 4 bullets.

Then go out and shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life, but at least you will get a roof over your head, 3 meals a day, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

New teeth? - No problem.

New glasses? – Just ask.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? – All covered.

And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all this ?

The same government that said they could not afford to pay for you to go in to a Nursing Home.


Also, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.



ISN'T THIS A GREAT COUNTRY ?
1042 of 1953  -   Report This Post

theambler

2nd March 2011, 20:47
Just walked through this inviting philosophical portal and found myself at the end of the queue from hell. How is an ordinary chap/chapette supposed to pick up the thread let alone pass it through the eye of a needle. As Im talking about needles how on earth can I scroll back to the beginning/end? I havent got all night/month. However lets be positive -- a n d ..........
1043 of 1953  -   Report This Post

wendy

3rd March 2011, 07:45
THEAMBLER

While you're making your way back, ask yourself....

How is it that pubic hair knows when to stop growing?
1044 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

3rd March 2011, 10:07
Wait till we get to 2000!

One for all us seniors:-

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared,

where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

“Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
1045 of 1953  -   Report This Post

.

3rd March 2011, 10:18
Wouldn't it make more sense to lose the YESTERDAY, then it would seem like the man was going to tell his whole life story - hence the policeman getting bored?
1046 of 1953  -   Report This Post

nimrod

3rd March 2011, 22:12
Just an idle thought:
If God did not exist, would it be necessary to invent him?
1047 of 1953  -   Report This Post

theambler

3rd March 2011, 22:53
yes but no but..... and maybe, maybe
1048 of 1953  -   Report This Post

helena

3rd March 2011, 23:21
If someone invented God would he not exist in their imagination?
1049 of 1953  -   Report This Post